Ally Mcbeal Character Quotes: Elaine Vassal

Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show
  1. Elaine: "You just announce that in a staff meeting?"
    Ally: "Well what did you want me to call everyone into my office one by one?"
    Elaine: "You could have called me in, you owe me that."
    Ally: "Excuse me."

  2. Elaine: "Maddie called, she said she‘d she you when you get home."
    Ally: "Anything else?"
    Elaine: "3 messages from Victor saying he loves your ass"
    Liza: "So do I."
    Elaine: "Are we sure she‘s hetro?"
    Ally: "I don‘t know but she‘s cute."
    Elaine: "Yes, she is."

  3. Elaine: "The whole bar knows my voice they go home replaying it in their head."

  4. Claire: "Hello Elaine we‘re going to be counterparts."
    Elaine: "I‘m sorry?"
    Claire: "I’m going to work at Cage, Fish & McBeal. Isn‘t that wonderful, wonderful news. Do you even have the words?"
    Elaine: "No. Claire let me first address another crisis."

  5. Claire: "I can sing."
    Elaine: "Do you know ‘I‘m a Woman‘?"
    Claire: "It‘s my theme song."

  6. Nelle: "Fish & McBeal"
    Elaine: "That‘s the rumor you never heard it from me. Aren‘t you just devasted?"
    Nelle: "He‘s making her partner."

  7. Ally: "Is there something wrong with me?"
    Elaine: "Oh Ally of course there is but some of the most evil people make excellent parents."

  8. Elaine: "Why are we going to court?"
    Ally: "I told you, I got a call from a criminal who wants to hire me."
    Elaine: "Yes, but why am I going?"
    Ally: "I‘m afraid of criminals and I don‘t want to go alone"

  9. Elaine drooling at Victor‘s butt: "Look at that."

  10. Elaine: "Harriet‘s got my man."
    Corretta: "Already?"
    John: "How long got it take, she narrowed her list to anybody."

  11. Elaine: "Buying a house Ally... that‘s something that two people usually do."
    Ally: "You know Elaine they do sell houses to single people, it‘s been known to happen."

  12. Elaine to Ally on her new house: "I hope this doesn‘t mean that you‘re committed to living alone."

  13. Glenn: "I don‘t think you should do that."
    Elaine: "Why not?"
    Glenn: "Well it‘s just a little sexual for a holiday party do you think?"
    Elaine: "Oh Glenn to women you‘re a stocking stuffer."
    Glenn: "Oh is that the point I’m up here as a stocking stuffer?"
    Elaine: "It‘s Christmas, birth of Christ, conception, sex, seed, egg... you're the ocean, I‘m the sperm whale, dance."

  14. Jenny: "I hear you‘re still coming on to Glenn"
    Elaine: "Jenny, they‘re Christmas songs."
    Jenny: "Look Elaine, when I guy moves on somebody else's girl they usually settle it with fists, with women they talk things out. I prefer the guy way."

  15. Elaine: "Did you hear, Glenn & Jenny just got back together."
    Ally: "They did?"
    Elaine: "Aren‘t you just devasted."
    Ally: "I‘m not as crushed as you are I see."
    Elaine: "Awe, Ally I just want you to know I am here for you."
    Ally: "Awe yes and what am I going to do about that."

  16. Raymond: "You‘re cute, in a slutty way."
    Elaine: "Men on the rebound just love me."

  17. Corretta: "Hi Nelle."
    Elaine: "How‘s it going?"
    Nelle: "What‘s the catch?"
    Elaine: "Nothing, Corretta and I are having a little girl’s night out tonight and we thought you might want to join. Maybe Ling too."
    Nelle: "Please."
    Corretta: "Is that a no?"
    Nelle: "You want to meet men and they’re drawn to beautiful women. You want to use me for bait. Ling too. What time?"
    Elaine: "8 O‘clock the bar."
    Nelle: "Fine."
    Corretta: "Great."

  18. Elaine to Ally: "If you still think the Larry‘s of this world are right I maintain you’re clueless."

  19. Elaine: "Why are you talking like that?"
    Ally: "Talking like what?"
    Elaine: "Clipped."
    Ally: "Clipped?"
    Elaine: "Yes, clipped. You‘ve been walking around for days now looking circumspect, talking clipped."

  20. Glenn on Raymond‘s singing: "I begged him not to do this."
    Elaine: "He‘s not terrible"
    Jenny: "No he isn‘t, you said he couldn‘t hit a note."
    Elaine: "He‘s hitting on of mine."

  21. Elaine: "Ling you‘ve been summoned by the Chief Justice of the Superior Court."
    Ling: "If it‘s for jury duty tell them I‘m dead."
    Elaine: "He said 10 O'clock dead or alive your choice."
    John: "Want to put it to a vote?"

  22. Elaine: "Ally they’ve already started the staff meeting."
    Jenny: "I thought nothing happened here without you?"
    Elaine: "She said that?"
    Ally: "On never mind Elaine."

  23. Elaine: "You know what you nickname is around here, ‘the man in the mirror‘"
    Jackson: "Who calls me that?"
    Elaine: "It doesn‘t matter, the point is your as vain as I am and since we both love to hog the limelight, who better to steal it from then Ally on her birthday. Come on I want to be hot."
    Jackson: "If I sing that number with you it ain’t go to be an Elvis Presley thing cause I don’t do Elvis. I’m smooth Elaine you got that. If we do a number together oh it‘s go to be smooth."
    Elaine: "Fine. Smooth and hot."

  24. Elaine: "John, Cassandra Lewis is here for you."
    John: "What?"
    Nelle: "Who‘s Cassandra Lewis?"
    Richard: "John‘s L.A. wattle."

  25. Ally: "Did you make love to him?"
    Elaine: "A little."
    Ally: "A little?"

  26. Mark: "Nice flowers Ally, Larry?"
    Elaine: "Yes."
    Larry: "Did I hear my name?"
    Mark: "Yeah, yeah you‘re making me look bad could you cut it out."
    Elaine: "He means these beautiful flowers that you sent Ally. Right Ally? That’s what he means. And please don’t you deny it."
    Larry: "Huh-ha."

  27. Elaine: "I‘ve spent almost my whole adult life without a boyfriend."
    Ally: "Well gee I wonder why?"

  28. Elaine: "Ally I starting to tell him the truth last night but it wasn‘t go too well so I stuck with the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie."

  29. Elaine: "I should be in a soap opera, ‘As My Vagina Turns.’"

  30. Mark: "Who‘s the other man?"
    Elaine: "It‘s just an acquaintance. I‘m not having an affair but I did sleep with him."

  31. Elaine: "I suppose I’m a little nervous about putting all my eggs in such a leaky basket."
    Mark: "So you fertilize them in someone else’s basket?"

  32. Elaine: "Everybody breaks up eventually, these to are ahead of the game, why don‘t you just congratulate them and send them on their way."

  33. Elaine: "Jackson & Renee have a duet coming up."
    Ling: "What?"
    Elaine: "You know what they say, when two people are singing together they’re doing it."
    Ling: It’s their second date already." Elaine: "Come on, Renee’s a bigger tramp then me... then I use to be."

  34. Elaine: "Jackson & Renee have a duet coming up."
    Ling: "What?"
    Elaine: "You know what they say, when two people are singing together they’re doing it."
    Ling: It’s their second date already." Elaine: "Come on, Renee’s a bigger tramp then me... then I use to be."

  35. Elaine: "Is she a bigger slut than me?"
    Mark: "Nooooo!"

  36. Elaine: "Anything can happen around here, Ally. You keep forgetting, we don't live in a real world."

  37. Elaine: "Why does mark have to be in court?" Richard: "Uh, he's in trial, Elaine. That's where they do that sort of thing... in court."
    Elaine: "It's ally's trial. You only put Mark on it so he wouldn't be able to practice for the twisting contest."
    Richard: "Well, gee, Elaine, you got me there. Are you really that dopey or do you just say silly things to go with your outfit?"

  38. Elaine: "When ling said she was a champion twister has she actually won a competition?" Richard: "I don't know, elaine, but I'll tell you this... (Melanie barks) yikes! it sounds ugly. I've made love to ling, and if she can twist half as well as she can, uh... Contort, y-you got no chance."

  39. Ally: "I may have a law degree but I was hired here for being a babe."
    Elaine: "( Laughing ) Oh, right. Yeah, you, you're a babe. Come on, you're hardly... I'm sure that's not true. it is?"

  40. Larry: "It's really shiny."
    Elaine: "Yes, it is. Do you think I could enjoy it for one evening before you and Ally strip it of any luster?'
    Larry: "Oh, yeah, you should enjoy it forever, Elaine but it's where you display it-- that's the key. See, if you put it on the mantelpiece and it says to the world this is who or what you are and... You're way more than this. Now, you stick it in a drawer... it says this is something you've done accomplished, and, in a drawer, it... it doesn't tarnish so easily. I mean, keep it, Elaine, it's yours. You won it. Just don't hold yourself up to it."

  41. Elaine: "John, there's a woman here to see you."
    Richard: "Is she cute?"
    Elaine: "Oh, yes Richard, she's your type-- wattle for days."
    Richard: "Just asking."

  42. Richard: "By the way, Elaine everything okay with you and Mark sexually?"
    Elaine: "Why do you ask me that?"
    Richard: "Well, he doesn't want to talk about it which, since he's a guy there must be nothing to talk about."

  43. Ally: "Not all guys rush, Elaine. Now, Larry and I, we dated for almost a month before we, you know..."
    Elaine: "But that's you, Ally. I'm more, you know, in heat."

  44. Elaine: "How was it with Larry? You know, the first...?"
    Ally: "Hmm... It was so incredibly...Private."

  45. Jamie: "Remember when we did Godspell. We did Godspell in college."
  46. Ally: "Ah, huh"
  47. Jamie: "He was Jesus (Larry), which I'd call him again at home after the second coming"
  48. Elaine: "I love her"

  49. Mark on Richard & Ling's lip synching: "Is he kidding?"
  50. Elaine: "I'm not sure."
  51. Ally: "They've got to be kidding."
  52. Renee: "I don't know."

  53. Richard: "It says here you repeatedly offered to have sex with him."
    Elaine: "It was a joke. He knew I was joking. We're friends. This doesn't make sense."
    Mark: "It says here also that you made him eat...your underwear?"
    Elaine: "I never made him. I would just demonstrate my inventions for him. I invented some edible cherry-flavored underwear and I offered it to him once as a light snack."

  54. Elaine to Mark: "If you've got a problem just say it Mark, don't make me be the one with the stones. We know how much you hate that."

  55. Elaine: "I've sent signals to you before. You never picked up on them."
    Mark: "Like when you'd dry hump me?"
    Elaine: That would be one of them."

  56. Mark: "I thought you were great, Elaine."
    Elaine: "Thank you. I appreciate that."
    Mark: "Did you get any dates out of it?"
    Elaine: "It wasn't about getting a date."
    Mark: "My question is, did you get one?"
    Elaine: "No, I didn't, okay?"
    Mark: "Would you like one?"
    Elaine: "A date?"
    Mark: "Yes?"
    Elaine: "With you?"
    Mark: "Yes?"
    You're asking me out? Mark: "Yes?"
    Elaine: "Yes?"
    Mark: "Great. Oh, I know this is a stupid question but I'm going to ask anyway."
    Elaine: "I don't have a penis."
    Mark: "Excellent. 8:00?"
    Elaine: "That'd be great."

  57. Mark: "Have you picked your song?"
    Elaine: "No. I'm looking for the perfect one. Something that speaks to me. Something pretty. Something that coincides with my current self."
    Mark "Elaine...I love music-- don't get me wrong-- but is this the way to address loneliness climbing into the spotlight for attention?"
    Elaine: "Well, that's what I look for in a man: Attention."
    Mark: "It just seems a little desperate to me."
    Elaine: "Oh, this from a man who dates women with schillings. I'm sorry, that was rude. Mark? I haven't had a real boyfriend in seven years. I am desperate."

  58. Larry: "Do you like music?"
    Elaine: "I'm sorry?"
    Larry: "Well, ally tells me that you love music. As do I; in fact, when I'm fee which I always do in December I sit at my piano at night, and I just you know, sing a little. You'd be surprised what incredible companion music can be."
    Elaine: "It's more about applause with me."

  59. Larry: "Do they let you sing at the bar downstairs?"
    Elaine: "They try to discourage it. They say I make it all about me."

  60. Elaine to Larry & Ally: "This is a workplace. Could you drip over each other someplace else?"

  61. Nelle: "Don't you feel ridiculous stooping to something like this?"
    Elaine: "I'm for it."
    Nelle: "What a shock. You probably bought new kneepads."

  62. "Because at work you're all strong, smart, independent. Guys ultimately don't want equals. If you want to meet a man you've got to be open to it at places like bars where they feel dominant."- Elaine

  63. "They're all wearing condoms. It's harder to trap them by getting pregnant."- Elaine on getting a good man

  64. "You mean with the philosophical way they wouldn’t make you partner?"- Elaine questioning what philosophical differences are making Nelle leave the firm

  65. "In her whole life she’s only managed to get one man to love her and she’s dead"- Elaine to Richard on why they need to throw Ally a birthday party

  66. "Her dream is to have the whole world revolve around her, for one day we should be able to fake it."- Elaine trying to convince Richard that they need to have a birthday party for Ally

  67. "When I first met you that’s exactly what I thought. I said to myself ‘On, my god there’s Tina Turner"- Elaine indulging Ally

  68. "Once it gets going it takes on a life of it’s own"- Elaine on having to stop her butt from shaking after she stopped dancing

  69. "One night, she’s a diva"- Elaine the morning after a snappish Ally performed with Tina Turner

  70. "He was like a salmon heading upstream to spawn" Elaine on how her date went

  71. "When you get up on stage you're in the spotlight, you become it, not what you really are. At the Christmas party alone, dateless"- Elaine trying to convince Ally to perform at the party

  72. "I'm not just the owner by the way, I'm a customer" Elaine during Face Bra infomercial

  73. "They lend intrigue to my character," Elaine on smoking cigars

  74. "Sometimes she just looks snappish," Elaine about Ally

  75. "I also have allergies but I'd be at a loss to recall a specific sneeze," Elaine on whether she's talked about Ally

  76. "They have knobs," Elaine about closed doors

  77. "If I wanted a husband I could just snap my fingers," Elaine

  78. "I liked my job before but god I love it know," Elaine on all the office gossip

  79. "Suddenly everything you think you are can just disappear in a wrinkle," Elaine on aging

  80. "She's always a little tickled by drama, in time she'll look back at this day & want to relive it," Elaine about Ally

  81. "Boys called me the human window of opportunity," Elaine to Fish after he called her a slut (jokingly)

  82. "I'm concerned for your hair," Elaine's excuse for eavesdropping on Georgia & Billy

  83. I would just like to take my thighs & squeeze his head," -Elaine about Bobby

  84. "I dress slutty, just understated, moderatly slutty," -Elaine