|Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show|
- John to Richard on his quick marriage: "You‘re being insane this is worth of Ally."
- John: "What are your reasons for getting married?"
Liza: "Oh well, first if a woman goes too long without marrying men start to think there is something wrong with her, divorcées fair better and second Fishy‘s so fun and exciting."
- John to Richard on his wedding: "This is either and example of new found maturity or your dumb stick's defining moment."
- Richard: "John truly, have I ever made sense to you?"
John: "Yes, it‘s always been about the money."
Richard: "Exactly, this time it isn‘t."
- John to Liza: "Sit down Miss Stump... err... Rump... Bump."
- John: "Ally you are nothing if not a soul. What are you thinking?"
Ally: "I’m just replaying all the things ever said to me. The best ones always come from you."
- Nicole: "Do you live inside the walls?"
John: "No this is my hole."
- John: "The law is the law Liza & she broke it"
Liza: "John in some states oral sex is against the law, you don’t see people getting thrown in jail for that."
John: "Bigamy is a little more serious than that."
Liza: "You don‘t take oral sex seriously?"
- John: "Conjugal relations with two different men..."
Liza: "Sounds awful."
- Nicole: "What happen?"
John: "No jail time, that‘s great, that is fantastic."
Liza: "The judge must have a mistress."
- John: "I did go to Mexico I lasted one day."
John: "Dysentery in hour twelve."
- John on Liza: "I‘ve heard tales of this ‘Lolita‘."
- John: "I would ask that council rise to make her objections."
Liza: "You‘re making short jokes, well if that isn‘t the pot."
- John: "Your Honor, let the record reflect she (Liza) just grazed my Johnson."
- Nelle: "John we have to get that little bitch (Liza)"
John: "Have no fear Nelle, she is a bagel."
Nelle: "A bagel?"
John: "I meant to say toast. Have no fear."
- John: "You tried to drown me."
Liza: "I‘m sorry did you swallow water, I could hover it right out."
John: "Never mind, talk chicken or I‘m gone."
Liza: "Talk chicken?"
John: "I meant to say turkey."
- Liza: "Some people call me little I like to refer to myself as puny. There‘s something erotic about that word John. Have you ever been called puny?"
John: "Not with good results no."
- John: "Look Liza we‘re lawyers it‘s our job to make people hate each other you can‘t hold us liable for ah...."
Liza: "Look Fishy, may I call you Fishy? I realize that this little law firm of yours has something against love, no of you are in relationships, one of your senior partners is getting all wigged out because she can‘t get past first base with a plumber and the rest of you can‘t some much as get a date. I have no problem with that, you’re each entitled to your lonely lives but when you start reek havoc between to innocent people who do believe in love, two people like Claire & Jerome, I‘m sorry I get a little overly sentimental, I‘m a sap for romance. Don‘t talk to her and don‘t talk to him. Keep you mouth shut and I‘ll drop the lawsuit."
Coretta: "We have to be able to advise her."
Liza: "You talk you lose."
Coretta: "She‘s vicious."
- John to Nelle: "She‘s toast, I‘m the buscuit, we‘re not beaten."
- John to Liza: "I made a commitment youngster, that means something. Perhaps you‘ll realize that once you turn five feet tall."
- John: "He claims he killed his wife because he thought her head was a ball?"
- Richard: "There’s an old homily, cliche yes but I happen to believe in it, winning isn‘t everything."
John: "People on trial for murder tend to disfavor that homily Richard."
- John: "This sudden dash for the end zone of maturity, I salute you."
Richard: "Just looking for some forward progress, that‘s all."
- Ms. Pumple to Elaine: "Specially what do you look for in a man?"
John: "A pulse & penis, not necessarily in that order."
- Richard: "In light of world events values have changed."
John: "Your values have changed?"
Richard: "Mine? God no, but woman, they don‘t care so much about money anymore, which renders us far less attractive"
- Elaine: "Harriet‘s got my man."
John: "How long got it take, she narrowed her list to anybody."
- John to Richard: "I refuse to be lectured to by a man who just last night was copping the feel of rag like flesh dangling off the chin of somebody’s great grandmother. "
- John: "Objection, I realize the witness enjoys a wide latitude in her testimony but her girth should have limits."
- John: "This isn‘t just a simple parade, this is about Christmas"
Judge Walsh: "Christmas?"
John: "Yes it‘s an obscure little holiday perhaps you‘ve heard of it?"
Judge Walsh: "Have you heard of contempt"
John: "I have but if you were to actually hold me in it how would I know you grumpy lump."
- John to Judge Walsh: "All I’m asking your curmudgeons is that you just listen to my client."
- Ally: "Is the a particular reason you‘re dressed like an elf?"
John: "Yes Ally Veteran's Day."
- Richard: "What‘s going on?"
John: "The world seems so desperate."
Richard: "Oh that?"
John: "You know Richard, privately, every Christmas I rent the elf costume, I scamper around my house at night to inview myself with good tidings."
Richard: "Good idea to do it privately."
- John: "Why don‘t we all just beat each other up. Tis‘ the season isn‘t it?"
- John: "It’s just not a year for skipping Christmas"
- Richard: "John you’re here?"
John: "Yes, your powers of observation continue to stun the world."
- John to Nelle: "I in fact missed you every time I opened that freeze door and saw that sack of peas."
- John: "How do you know about my hole?"
Raymond: "Everybody knows, Richard had an open house after he took it over."
- John: "How dare you!"
Richard: "Not now John I’m off to court"
John: "You installed a disco ball in my hole."
John: "Don‘t you bygones me Richard damn it."
- John: "I use to think in a prior life I was Elvis."
Richard: "But John Elvis lived in this life."
- Richard: "How was your time off John?"
John: "It was fine."
Richard: "Good food? Little R&R? Steroids?"
- Nelle: "John what happen to your little tush?"
John: "It‘s depressed."
- Ally: "Did I really have to come all the way up to your office?"
John: "Yes it‘s important, it‘s a semenal moment, aw seminal... seminal."
- John to Ally: "Admittedly you‘re slightly nuts but I love that too because it‘s something that we have in common."
- John: "Ally you can hardly be accused of knowing what you want in a man."
Ally: "But I‘m pretty good a recognizing what I don‘t want."
- John after he told Ally he love her: "Well, that‘s the trouble I suppose in coming to people with honest, they sometimes counter with it."
- Richard: "You seem a little testy is everything all right?"
John: "My life is loveless move on."
- John : "We like to start things on time here youngster. What‘s that you’re eating?"
Glenn: "Hamburger, you want a bite?"
John: "It‘s 9:15, yeah... my stomach just growls for a Whopper."
- Elaine: "Ling you‘ve been summoned by the Chief Justice of the Superior Court."
Ling: "If it‘s for jury duty tell them I‘m dead."
Elaine: "He said 10 O'clock dead or alive your choice."
John: "Want to put it to a vote?"
- Corretta: "I paid my way through college doing men makeovers."
John: "Men makeovers? You think I need a makeover?"
Corretta: "Well maybe a touch here and there."
- Corretta: "Do you remember when we first met?"
John: "Yes, what of it."
Corretta: "Well I don‘t remember. First impressions count for so much and you don‘t make one. You need to change that."
- Richard: "A makeover?"
John: "That‘s what she said, what am I not attractive anymore Richard"
Richard: "Oh come on John you have money that makes you handsome."
- John after Ally bumped into him: "It‘s alright pork chop."
Ally: "Pork chop?"
John: "I meant to say lamb chop, damm it."
- John: "It‘s always been Ally, Richard that’s the point. I’m just finally getting around to admitting it to myself."
Richard: "Okay, but why Ally as opposed to anybody else... emphasizing the word anybody."
John: "Because she‘s magic, she understands loneliness, she’s afraid, she’s not afraid to be afraid, she’s just magic."
- Richard: "I‘m deep."
John: "Deep, you don‘t even have an outer core you end at the mantle."
- John: "Ally a second please it’s important. Ally enough of this, I want you, you want me, let‘s just get down to business."
Ally: "I really don‘t have time for jokes right now."
- Ally: "If they‘re lucky they‘ll come to have what we have."
John: "Yeah. What do we have?"
Ally: "Well... you know a true plutonic relationship."
- John: "You could call him"
Ally: "I‘m the woman, it‘s against the law for me to make the call."
John: "But since he’s technically the dumpee..."
Ally: "John I am fine don‘t you see me sitting in the bar having a good time."
John: "Yes it‘s infectious."
- Richard: "What happened this isn‘t the kind of firm we planned?"
John: "Richard all you‘ve ever sought is money."
Richard: "Yes, but I at least wanted to be surrounded with a little humanity... to go with my money."
- John: "I‘ve had a wonderful year as has Ally. We‘ve loved, had our hearts broken, felt enormous pain but we‘ve lived with our emotionally..."
- John: "Most of the people here don‘t live emotionally."
Richard: "We need to fix that, I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?"
John: "Well as acts of compassion go that wouldn‘t be my first choice but it is time for a change Richard. A big one."
- John: "You shouldn‘t be practicing law without adult supervision Richard."
- John: "What‘s wrong?"
Ally: "Ah nothing. No it‘s just probably one of those little moods that I get."
Ally: "Uh works been a little tedious."
John: "More specifically."
Ally: "I‘m over tired"
John: "And precisely"
Ally: "Larry‘s going to dump me."
Ally: "Yeah he‘s been acting a little uh...uh differently, odd."
- John: "You are making out of the biggest mountain out the most infinitesimal molehill, so he had desert with his ex-wife."
Ally: "Coupled with my psychic feeling that something is up and along with the fact that she was dabbing his nose in sex cream"
John: "Whipped cream."
Ally: "It was sexual you saw it."
- Ling (smiling): "Is she devastated? Is she crushed? Is there anything we can do?"
John (sarcastically): "Just knowing you there Ling."
- John: "Don’t be ridiculous Richard, I can‘t argue your case for you over the phone."
Richard: "You don‘t, you feed me the arguments just like that like that show. What was it? Cyrano-de-Burger-King or whatever."
- Richard: "You ever been sucked in by a woman?"
John: "Well on to a toe."
- John to Richard: "You went down on a woman‘s foot this is worse than wattle."
- John: "Do all men just become drones?"
Richard: "Eventually they call them husbands."
- John at deposition: "He‘s stuck with that hooter, ah honker? Poop. I just came out of a relationship."
- John: "Ally... second please. I just got a new case, I‘m off to court now and Larry is opposing counsel."
Ally: "He is?"
John: "Now truth be told, I don‘t ah I don’t quite have a feeling for him yet. Any buttons I could push?"
Ally: "I have a little conflict of interest there don‘t you think?"
John: "Well... I..I..I‘m not looking to date him I just want the upper hand from a lawyer standpoint. Your duty does lie with the client of course."
- John: "I‘m not to be tampered with Larry"
Larry: "I can see that John"
John: "Till tomorrow."
Larry: "Till them."
- John on Larry: "He just tried to one up me and I don‘t go for that."
- John responding to Larry in court: "Not everything is like chicken counsel."
- John: "He (Barry White) doesn‘t come to me anymore I think Melanie scared him off."
- John: "He was here."
John: "Barry. Barry White came."
Richard: "Forgive me if I don‘t try to envision that."
- Ally: "Did you find Barry White?"
John: "I‘m going in search of him and when I return I will have the bastard, hell or high water."
Mark: "Did you find him yet?"
John: "Never mind."
- Elaine: "John, Cassandra Lewis is here for you."
Nelle: "Who‘s Cassandra Lewis?"
Richard: "John‘s L.A. wattle."
- Richard: "First up welcome back John & me, L.A. was great, we missed you all."
Nelle: "Yes how was L....A....? Did you find what you were looking for?"
John: "Yes, people with warmth, it was a culture shock you snippy assed Popsicle."
- John: "I‘m senior partner, checkout the damn firm’s resume. Senior partners don‘t have to tolerate snippy assed tones from platinum dyed Popsicles."
- John: "Being happy makes a person incompetent now. That is bloody rich."
- John: "Nelle, I just wanted to say I‘m sorry for my hostility. I think truth be told I‘m just missing Melanie."
Nelle: "I understand John and if I can help in anyway... Poop."
- Melanie: "I don‘t wanna have children"
- John: "Funny."
- Melanie: "I don‘t."
- John: "I never for a second thought he wouldn‘t comeback."
John: "No...no, the man knows what he’s got."
- Melanie: "John what’s wrong?"
John: "Richard, well he‘s my partner and my best friend and I hate him."
- Richard: "Men don‘t walk around saying I love you to other men, that‘s a gay thing."
John "A gay thing?"
Melanie: "You father never said he loved you?"
Richard: "He didn‘t have to he‘d say uh Mambo Cat"
- John on Richard: "The center of his very being is nothing but sex & money, sex & money."
- Ally: "You‘ll work it out Richard because he is your best friend and you‘ll work it out with Melanie because you love her and..."
Larry/John: "and the alternative is too unthinkable."
Ally: "and the alternative is too unthinkable."
- John on Barry Manilow: "He‘s hardly what I would call hip."
- John: "For my sexual persona I’ve always gone to Barry White but for my solitude it’s always been on Barry Manilow."
- John: "Melanie will you marry me?"
- Melanie: "I‘m not... I-I just....I’m um...um... the idea of being institutionalized is a little repugnant to me, even... even if the institution is marriage"
John: "What are you talking about?"
Melanie: "I don’t believe in marriage."
- Nelle: "I'm just on his case Ling, doing it. Do-doing his case"
John: "Doing his gluts, that's what she is probably doing. I apologize I didn't realize I was audible"
- John: "You know me when I was little I used to pretend Nancy Sinatra was singing this song to me."
Melanie: "When I was little, I used to pretend frank was singing it to me."
- Melanie: "I-I've, whoo! Never brought anyone back to my apartment."
John: "Well, I'm honored, then. I certainly hope my underwear is clean."
- John: "Did you see that homeless man?"
Ling: "Gee, no, and my eyes are always peeled for them."
- Melanie: "He's completely harmless, John."
John: "So are post office employees right up until they eat fast food."
- John: "Well, I have a nose for trouble."
Melanie: "Yes, and I'm sure it whistles with alarm but, John, I know this... Oh... I'm sorry."
John: "You disparaged my nose."
- Mr. Bo: "People don't always treat her right. I need to check up."
John: "Ah. You were smart to hang out in the bathroom then. What were you look for? A stool sample?"
Mr. Bo: "Do you love her?"
John: "I, I think I might. Yes."
Mr. Bo: "Then I must wrestle you."
John: "Mr. Bo, I'm a grown man. And what I'd like to do, instead of wrestling you I think maybe I'd like to get you some help."
Mr. Bo: "You're chicken."
John: "I'm not chicken. I just..."
Mr. Bo: "Why don't you just admit it? You little squirt."
- Mr. Bo: "You're a little wiry, but you can date her."
John: "Oh, that's how you judge somebody-- by how well he wrestles?"
Mr. Bo: "There are worse ways to measure a man."
John: "Mr. Bo, I am going to say something to you my father once said to me. You are a total kookball."
Mr. Bo: "Is that even a real word?"
John: "If it was good enough for my father it's good enough for you."
Mr. Bo: "Hey...You got supper plans? I got a piece of salmon for the hibachi."
John: "Homeless people eat salmon now?"
- Melanie: "Uh, well, maybe we should all go grab something to eat."
Mr. Bo: "No, the toad and I already ate."
Melanie: "Could you do me a favor and not call him 'the toad?'"
Mr. Bo: "Oh, but it so fits."
John: "You're such a kookball."
Mr. Bo: "At least "toad" is a real word."
Melanie: "All right, okay, no 'kookball', no 'toad'. You got it?"
- John story to Melanie's class: "Well, when I was a child, I misbehaved and what you children probably don't know yet is that when children misbehave there's a tradition in this country. Their parents go into their rooms at night and snip off their toes. I don't know why it's a big secret kept from all children especially the ones with the big mouths 'cause they always get their toes hacked off. Mine were chopped. It rendered me meek. It usually happens on the sixth birthday. Snip, snip, snip. Yeah... Not so boring now, am I, you little snot?"
- John: "I have a stutter. To correct it, I sometimes focus on phonetically preemptive sounds. "Poughkeepsie" is one of them. It, also being a town in New York, it, uh, sometimes makes me think of and sometimes say things relating to New York. Uh, that time it triggered a memory the song, "New York, New York, " which was sung by Frank Sinatra. Perhaps you've heard of it."
- Mrs. Stiles: "Why should I be biased?"
John: "You're the school director. My client has a history of backing up over them."
- John: "Well, I'm not comfortable with a school that can see the likes of a gifted teacher-- a woman who exudes magic, if you will-- and see fit to discharge her presumably for the benefit of the children. I know the woman sitting over there and I will say this: That if those children's lives are enriched even a fraction of how much mine has been just by... It's a bad decision to fire this teacher, your honor. It's a bad decision."
- John: "Sometimes it's hard to walk home on a beautiful night when you, uh...When you have gas."
Ally: "When you're alone?"
John: "You know, lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm going to be alone all my life."
- Richard: "Murder?"
John: "That's the charge. Yes, she drove over her boyfriend."
Richard: "What's the defense, bad tires?"
- John: "Look, I know how you massage people. You make their worries go away. You did it with Kimmy, with Elaine... Lord knows how you massage Ally.
John: "I need your help on this. Have I ever asked you for much?"
Ally: "He'll do it, John. These are the kinds of things that he just can't say "no" to."
John: "Thank you."
- John upon meeting Melanie for the first time: "Melanie, I'm Jonathan Cage. Actually, it's Jonathan, uh, john... sometimes when I'm nervous, I add extra syllables to fill dead air. I apologize. It... okay, uh... This is my brother, Ally McBeal. Uh, uh, sister. Poky, uh... Neither. I meant brother as a legal term. Lawyers sometimes refer to each other as brothers. It's archaic."
- Melanie: "People have looked at me my entire life like I'm insane. Do you have any idea what that's like?"
John: "Perhaps not, but, uh their thinking that at the moment could come in quite handy."
Melanie "I'd rather be thought of as a cold-blooded murderer than crazy. And if that makes me insane I still don't want to plead it."
- Melanie: "I beg your pardon? Midget."
Nicholas: "That's what she did to me."
John: "Nicholas... These utterances are involuntary. That's what tourette's is."
- John: "You want to tell me why you're smiling?
Melanie: "You're quite funny."
- Ally: "She likes you."
John: "Oh, that... Oh, uh...I don't know."
Ally: "No, she does. Do you like her?"
John: "Well, Ally, she's a client."
Ally: Well, I understand that, but suppose we win this trial. You two could go out."
John: "That... I-I... Uh..."
Ally: "John, John... I think she gets you."
- Ally: "It's the insistence on "making sense" that doesn't make sense and the people who do, they-they-tend up alone."
John: "Ally...She barks, she squeals, she makes me squeal. Her little hand fires out and whacks things. When I go to a movie I-I like the action to stay on the screen."
Ally: "Mmm. You're right. Wouldn't make sense. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm."
- John: "She's a bit of an odd duck."
Melanie: "You like odd ducks, don't you?"
Melanie: "Can we appeal?"
John: "Melanie, we won."
Melanie: "Yeah, I know. I thought that maybe if we appeal I could have some more meetings with my lawyer."
John: "Well, there...Oh, oh, that's an overture."
Melanie: "Yes, it was. John, I know I come with a few quirks but I have this feeling which something tells me that you share. What if we agree up front that I'll never drive?"
John: "The thing is, I would love to go out with you. Um... Let's go. I know this quiet little bar we can go..."
- Melanie: "Was I too pushy... To ask you out?"
John: "I only date pushy women."
Melanie: "Oh, why's that?"
John: "Well, I..."
Melanie: "Because you're too chicken to make the move yourself?"
John: "Uh... Yes. Exactly. You know me already."
Melanie: "Oh, I knew you the minute you walked in the door. You had me on, 'I'm Jonathan cage.' 'No, actually, it's John. Sometimes when I'm nervous I...'"
John: "All right, listen... Dancing is a quiet thing. If you're going to speak, let it be involuntary."
- Nelle: "John... my father"
- Mr. Porter: "Pleasure John"
- John: "Mr. Claus?"
- Mr. Porter: "Please call me Kris"
- John: "Are you serious... You and Larry?"
- Ally: "Well... very"
- Nelle: "Thank you, your an incredibale heart"
- John: "Hey, let him see your's now"
- John: "Ally, was your little squeeze-box making fun of my situation with Kimmy last night?"
Ally: "My little 'squeeze-box'?"
John: "Yeah. I heard him sing, "package deal" uh, "tell the mother to stop yapping"... And he looked our way, too. Now, I don't appreciate that kind of garbage."
Ally: "Um... John... Bruce springs teen wrote that song. I don't think he had you in mind at the time."
- John to Larry: "You know, I didn't appreciate that little package-deal number last and if you sing it again I'll damn well have something to say about it."
- Kimmy: "John... My problem borders on a disorder."
John: "Have you never been with a man?"
Kimmy: "Of course not. I'm chaste."
John: "Is your acute sense of morality a convenient way of dealing with your intimacy problems?"
John: "Well, it's time to take the leap."
Kimmy: "Will you catch me?"
John: "I'll try."
- John: "What about movement? You know, I'm stiff. I step like I'm trying to kill bugs."
Richard: "I can help you there. I've been doing some self-esteem movement to make me a hotter lover. ( "It's not unusual" plays ) ( music stops ) I'll get you through this, John."
- John: "I I found out. I was shopping with my mother. I sat on the department store Santa. Told him all about this special steam train I wanted which was green with red stripes. Then we left the store, came to a street corner and there was Santa again, ringing a bell and he was black. I thought, "well, that's odd. Got from here to there so fast and changed color." But, I thought, he's Santa. He's magic. And then he looked at me with no recognition who said "well, little one, what would you like for Christmas?" And I knew right then this whole thing was a fraud."
Kimmy: "That's awful. I didn't find out till my freshman year in college."
Larry: "You have been really sheltered your whole life, haven't you?"
- Nelle: "Oh, please, he's nothing but a dangerous myth. A fat, washed-out alcoholic who fiddles with elves. He's a pedophile, too. Gets kids to sit on his lap while promising toys. I salute our client."
John: "Last year, you said you loved Santa Claus."
Nelle: "He was in last year; now he's out."
- Richard: "First up Stevens V. WKGB, John?"
Richard "What yes? What's the case, WKGB? Is it a Russian spy thing?"
John "WKGB is a local news station, Richard. Perhaps you've caught it at night inadvertently while surfing your little titty shows."
Richard: "Funny. Uh, Latin anchorwoman, big breasts?"
John "One of the anchors, yes."
- "Women love money. You love money. You were attracted to me in large part because I've got it. When you run around kissing other men even as a demonstration that says to the world...maybe I'm not wealthy. That's a violation."- Richard to Ling
- "I know I'm sexy, I have money. I drink $300 bottles of wine, I drive a Mercedes for god's sake, men don't come more sexier than me and I want it hot"- Richard to Ling
- John: "She gets emotional, I'd go after her."
Larry: "I don't do that."
John: "No, I suppose if you did it would make it harder to live life alone."
- Ally: "Am I crazy?"
John: "That's beside the point."
- "If Hillary Clinton had had a little session with an intern she wouldn't even be running next month. The democrats would have yanked her out and put in Warren Beatty instead. This country puts err on women who lead with their libidos."- John in a closing
- John: "We made love the other night and I was just, uh...You know, was it just s-e-x?"
Myra: "Uh... Yes?"
- "Hello, hi. Just working on my closing. I do it bare-breasted. Uh, footed."- John to Myra
- "This case is going exactly the way I want it to and I don't appreciate you talking to me like that in front of the bosom. Eh, clip...Clip... Coney islands. The client."- John
- Renee: "So, you've had affairs with three different assistants? That's a pretty high rate, don't you think?"
Myra: "Not really, considering since I was about 16 almost every man I've ever met has wanted to sleep with me."
Renee: "And you're proud of that?"
Myra: "I'm proud that I've never used it as currency, yes but when I meet a man who I want to be with I have problem asking, just like I've been asked thousands of times. And just like I've been free to say no all those times so are they."
John: "Your honor, that was an excellent response. I'd like my client to repeat it in case any of the jurors missed it."
- John: "You sensed he was male and you just decided to have sex with me? (Stuttering) him... That man... Him? Okay, let me rephrase."
Myra: "We were two consenting adults acting out a very horny moment."
- "The opposing attorney is a very mean man"- John to his client
- "She’d dance on my head if there was applause in it"- John on Elaine doing a number for his birthday party
- "Could you at least hit a note"- John on Richard’s singing
- "Frosty the snow girl has plans"- John on Nelle’s request to be made partner
- "Over my dead body, which would still be a few degrees warmer than you, you rich bitch, elitist ice queen"- John on Nelle’s request to be made partner
- "It’s amazing I didn’t lose my penis to frost bite"- John to Mark on dating Nelle
- "Giving away money makes you a fool in other people’s eyes"- Richard on why he could make Nelle a partner
- "If we plead out we won’t be able to suppress the knife with that constitution thingy"- John advising Richard
- "You put the ‘fish’ in superficial"- John’s way of thanking Richard for his ‘help’
- "I have to prepare my final statement you ungrateful little pimp"- John to Ling after she called him a funny little man
- "Your taking the stand next it’s important you come off likeable unlike the company you keep"- John to Ling (and referring to Nelle)
- "Merry Christmas and I’d like to personally roast your chestnuts on an open fire"- John to the judge after he ruled against him
- "No!, people are what they are they don’t change. That’s a big conspiracy perpetrated by the fashion designers to sell new clothes. But you can’t change people, only clothes!"- John after being asked by Ally if people change
- "Whaaaat?"- John in response to Ally telling him she had sex in a car wash with a total stranger
- "Unclean bowls trouble me"- John
- "Sometimes people leave in haste forgetting to flush, other times they leave residual reminents. I like a fresh bowl"- John explaining his automatic toilet flusher
- "I feel a waffle"- John on dating Ally
- I just gargled, I gargle before each trial, I like to open with fresh breath"- John
- "I'm a love machine"- John
- "Do you know that your odd"- John to Ally
- "It's not my nature to engage in post comentary, but since you are well travelled in legal circles, I'd appriecate you telling all your friends exactly what happened in here, you sneaky, arrogant, bad faith bastard"- Biscuit
- Most people look at me like I'm odd strange instead of odd special," The Biscuit
- "I thought I'd start by taking a moment," -John on his plans for defending Renee
- "The world is no longer a romantic place but some of it's people are however & there in lies the promise." -The Biscuit to Ally