|Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show|
- Imaginary Larry: "I‘m back."
Ally: "What to you mean your back?"
Imaginary Larry: "I was hoping to move in."
Ally: "Move in... move in?"
Imaginary Larry: "Are you thinking about it?"
Maddie: "Why are you talking to the door?"
Ally: "I do that sometimes, I talk to doors, windows, ceilings whatever."
Maddie: "Do they ever talk back?"
Ally: "Now why would I need them to talk back when I have a daughter."
- Corretta: "Just propose again to night and do it the old fashion way. I think the desert thing was a little corny myself."
Larry: "I was your idea."
Corretta: "Cause you’re a corny couple. Really, Ally & Larry that‘s kind of the way couples like you do it. That or something like sky diving."
Larry: "Well yeah, my shoots in the cleaners other wise... "
Corretta: "Just ask her straight out. Look her in the eyes and say ‘Let’s do this for the rest of our lives.’ hmmm? You can‘t be more romantic than that and she doesn‘t have to waste an hour getting blueberry goo off the diamond."
- Larry: "Once you marry a woman you can‘t even list your feelings without being corrected."
- Larry: "When a ring ends up in the wrong fruit cobbler somebody, somewhere is trying to tell you something and it‘s not the lousy waiter."
- Corretta: "You know Larry you sounding a little like a loser."
Larry: "Well you would be wrong on relationships I‘m a two time loser. Strike three."
- Helena: "Last night you were ready to propose marriage now you to are suddenly not right for each other?"
Larry: "That‘s right."
Helena: "You have to recognize how..."
Larry: "I really don‘t need you charging in with you two cents no so..."
Helena: "Well, perhaps then you shouldn‘t have called for my two cents."
Larry: "Thanks. Thanks for the.."
Helena: "You go from marriage to busting up, that‘s A to B?"
Helena: "Doesn‘t that strike you as a little crazy."
Larry: "Yes it‘s crazy it‘s, it’s insane. The idea of me proposing was insane and it‘s in these acts of insanity Helena, that you get your most vivid hits of clarity."
- Larry: "I failed as a father, I failed as a husband. I would be lying if I said I understood what makes me fail. The biggest lie of all would be to say I‘ll never fail again."
- Larry in a note to Ally: "I love you. Goodbye."
- Corretta: "We‘re going to interview here?"
Corretta: "In the waiting room?"
Larry: "No it‘s not the waiting room."
Corretta: "It‘s where I was waiting."
Larry: "I just wanna be myself."
Corretta: "What about in there?"
Larry: "That’s the conference room."
Corretta: "Where‘s your office?"
Larry: "This is it."
Corretta: "The waiting room?"
Larry: "No it‘s not."
Coretta: "Where would my office be?"
Larry: "Well if you could..."
Corretta: "The headhunter said young, well respected litigator looking for an associate."
Corretta: "How do I hit the ground running without the proper facilites. Where’s the computer? Where’s the assistant? Where’s the library and where are the clients? I would see clients if there were any waiting wouldn’t I because I‘m standing in the waiting room. I don‘t think I can be a lawyer here."
Larry: "That‘s too bad cause in my mind I had already hired you and you..."
Corretta: "You did?"
Larry: "Cause I...I like you."
Corretta: "No your messing with me."
Sting: "Excuse me I‘m looking for Mr. Larry Paul."
Corretta: "You‘re Sting?"
Larry: "I‘m Larry Paul"
Corretta: "What is this to impress me cause I‘m not. I‘m impressed with you (Sting) just not with him. Will be with you in a minute do you mind waiting. Your in the right room."
- Larry: "Hey birthday girl you wanna dance?"
Ally: "I don‘t know what makes me so easy."
Larry: "Well I did bring Sting."
- Ally: "Sting actually sang to me."
Larry: "So did I. Did you notice?"
Ally: "Oh you sang. I noticed."
Larry: "I‘m sorry I missed most of your birthday."
Ally: "Well you half way made up for it."
Larry: "Half-way you think? Third of the way at best"
Ally: "Oh, big talker tonight."
Larry: "I love you Ally McBeal, happy birthday"
- John: "I‘m not to be tampered with Larry"
Larry: "I can see that John"
John: "Till tomorrow."
Larry: "Till them."
- Larry: "Ally you’re against smiling on principal, what‘s going on? What‘s going on?"
Renee: "Don‘t look at me."
Larry: "Okay fine then back to you, what‘s going on?"
Ally: "Well um, well John, he asked me for a few tips on how to oppose you in court. So I suggested that he break your rhythm. You know since you’re a little useless without it. Cute, but useless."
- Larry after beating John: "I don’t want a rematch"
- Jackson: "Is there a problem Larry?"
Larry: "No I just like to pull torso flexes at night Jackson."
Jackson: "Oh do you?"
Larry: "Yes I do."
Jackson: "Are you making fun of me Larry?"
Larry: "No, the truth is I’ve been trying to work on my posture and I’m admiring yours. If I could just learn to walk like that."
- Ally: "Objection assuming facts not in evidents, argumentative, leading."
Larry: "Oh, Could you pick one?"
Ally: "I pick all three. It‘s a multi-objectionable question."
Judge Walsh: "Overruled, overruled and over ruled. Sit down Ms. McBeal."
- Ally: "You didn‘t have to beat him up."
Larry: "I didn‘t beat him up."
Ally: "No, you did Larry you were a bully."
Larry: "Nope. Bully?"
Ally: "See when you pick on someone who‘s smaller than you that makes you a bully."
Larry: "Okay if you’re just... If your gonna get all angry and all."
Ally: "I am not angry."
Larry: "You‘re not angry?"
Ally: "I‘m not angry!"
Larry: "Oh, well you’re taking clean dishes from the cupboard and putting them in the washer."
Ally: "That‘s because I‘m bored"
Ally: "Yes I’m bored and stop making me repeat myself because that is what’s going to make me angry."
- Ally: "I suppose if I’m old & wrinkled and gray one day you‘ll no longer love me?"
Larry: "No I’ll still love you, you’ll still be tall."
- Ally: "Could you beat up Jackson today. Would you do that for me."
Larry: "I‘ll have to check my schedule, what did he do now?"
Ally: "He was honest with Renee"
- Larry: "If we cohabitate we co-decorate that’s it. End of discussion."
Ally: "No, no shush. Men..."
Larry: "I won‘t debate it."
Ally: "Men, men cannot decorate it is nature, it is genetic."
Larry: "Ah ha, alright then and by nature men need to mark their turf so tomorrow I’m telling you we‘re going to Sears to get a sofa."
- Mark: "Nice flowers Ally, Larry?"
Larry: "Did I hear my name?"
Mark: "Yeah, yeah you‘re making me look bad could you cut it out."
Elaine: "He means these beautiful flowers that you sent Ally. Right Ally? That’s what he means. And please don’t you deny it."
- Larry: "Basically this pre-nup says she gets nothing if the marriage ends within five years."
Jackson: "Look if she loves him as much as she claims to Larry, then it’s really a non-issue."
Larry: "Yeah, unless he turns out not to love her Jackson. Which is..."
Jackson: "Look, I‘m just trying to protect a nice man, should anything...."
Larry: "You’re asking Julie to give up what‘s legally hers in consideration for what? I mean, I miss how she benefits from this lovely document."
Jackson: "Larry, love that name. Man to man, we both know what the law provides. We also know how young beautiful woman can capitalize on it especially at the expense of fat, rich, bald guys."
Larry: "I won‘t let her sign it."
Jackson: "Does she have a problem with it Larry?"
Larry: "She will when her lawyer tells her to."
Jackson: "Larry, would you like me to tell him that she only wants him for his money?"
Larry: "Ah, tell him you presume that since he‘s fat, rich and bald."
Jackson: "I like your style."
Larry: "I hate yours"
- Jackson: "Ally. Larry."
Ally: "Okay what am I missing?"
Larry: "Jackson‘s upset I didn‘t commit malpractice and advise Julie to sign a ludicrous pre-nup"
Jackson: "What‘s ludicrous is that your client even cares. Marriage should be about love. Now a pre-nup that‘s about money."
Larry: "Who‘s idea was the pre-nup Jackson?"
Ally: "Okay, okay. You know Jackson you were a little dicey just trying to slide into the"
Jackson: "Excuse me, dicey?"
Ally: "Well representing a...."
Jackson: "You know what? I‘m not even in the mood for your issues"
Ally: "My issues what are my issues?"
Jackson: "Look lady."
Jackson: "First you’re kissing me."
Ally: "I thought you were him."
Jackson: "Then you climb into bed."
Ally: "I thought you were her."
Jackson: "And your hands were all up on my privates."
Ally: "Well because I thought it was the remote control."
Larry: "Hold on."
Jackson: "Felt like the remote did it?"
Ally: "Yes it did feel like the remote control, hard, plastic."
Renee: "Excuse me?"
Jackson: "Oh please don‘t flatter yourself."
Larry: "Excuse me too. You hand your hand on his"
Renee: "Hard plastic?"
Jackson: "Men have it when they’re sleeping"
Jackson: "No erections and it had nothing to do with her thin little hand."
Ally: "Oh, well isn‘t that the remote calling the wrist skinny."
- Larry to Ally: "So you kissed him, got into bed with him and grabbed his remote?"
- Larry: "We could watch TV together. You could work the remote."
Ally: "Ooh, don‘t be gross."
- Larry on his snowman: "You stuck me in a freezer?"
- Ally: "How long are you back for?"
Larry: "Does forever work for you?... I was hoping it would."
- Ally: "I won‘t be able to take you leaving again."
Larry: "Which works out well cause I don‘t plan to."
- Ally: "You‘ll work it out Richard because he is your best friend and you‘ll work it out with Melanie because you love her and..."
Larry/John: "and the alternative is too unthinkable."
Ally: "and the alternative is too unthinkable."
- Larry: "How'd you even get here?"
Larry: "Airplane... airplane...airplane?"
Sam: "It's the steel thing with wings, it flies."
- Larry: "I will come back"
Ally: "I know you will baby"
- Larry: "Just keep hearing that song I wrote you. 'Kay and ah, don't forget"
Ally: "Okay and don't you forget"
- Larry on a note to Ally: "I'll be back"
- Larry: "The Chubby Checker?"
Ally: "No, no, one of the other ones. Of course, the Chubby."
- Larry: "What do you mean, 'no-win?' Why wouldn't you win?"
Ally: "Larry, were you not listening when I told you the facts?"
Larry: "Yeah, she fired her for being unattractive?"
Ally: "And you don't see anything wrong with that?"
Larry: "Clearly I must."
Larry: "Ally, you work at cage and fish."
Larry: "Um, hmm... it's extremely well-known Richard fish only hires babes."
Ally: "I beg your pardon?"
Larry: "You didn't know this? It's practically on your firm's resume. Have you ever seen your firm's resume?"
Ally: "No, Richard Fish does not hire based on-on..."
Larry: "You, Ling, Nelle, Georgia, it's quite the kennel."
Ally: "Where did you hear this?"
Larry: "It's out there. Guys want to work there because of it. So do a lot of women. It's like being a Dallas cowboy’s cheerleader."
- Larry to Ally: "Well, the good news is I don't think Ling is winning. The bad news...Neither are we."
- Larry: "It's really shiny."
Elaine: "Yes, it is. Do you think I could enjoy it for one evening before you and Ally strip it of any luster?'
Larry: "Oh, yeah, you should enjoy it forever, Elaine but it's where you display it-- that's the key. See, if you put it on the mantelpiece and it says to the world this is who or what you are and... You're way more than this. Now, you stick it in a drawer... it says this is something you've done accomplished, and, in a drawer, it... it doesn't tarnish so easily. I mean, keep it, Elaine, it's yours. You won it. Just don't hold yourself up to it."
- Larry on Ally's new hat: "Have you considered several might try to nest on it at the same time? They could fight, die, and nature could suffer?"
Ally: "Yes. That's, that's the first question I posed."
Larry: "Ally, hats like this, they eventually bear fruit."
Ally: "Mm, you're, you're very... Funny."
- Larry: "You know, people talk funny in Canada. And forget drugs and guns-- people up there are into hockey."
- Ally: "It's just that I've been having this really weird vibe for whatever reason that there was something happening between you and Jamie."
Larry: "There was."
Larry: "I kissed her."
Ally: "Oh. Well, how was that?"
Larry: "You know, I started to kiss her, I should say because, you know, I couldn't. Obviously, I couldn't."
Ally: "Well, then, there's no problem, then. See, because I don't have a problem with the man I'm seeing kissing another woman so long as he breaks it off within say, what, four or five seconds?"
- Larry: "You and I could never work. You understand, Jamie..."
Jamie: "How do you know?"
Larry: "Because you're not...Her."
- Larry to Ally: "I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. And I'm only... At the beginning of loving you."
- Ally: "Love isn't always enough."
Larry: "Yeah, it is. You go without it... Long enough and you realize it's everything."
- Larry: "It's supposed to be adversary, John. Just like marriage itself."
- John: "Look, I know how you massage people. You make their worries go away. You did it with Kimmy, with Elaine... Lord knows how you massage Ally.
John: "I need your help on this. Have I ever asked you for much?"
Ally: "He'll do it, John. These are the kinds of things that he just can't say "no" to."
John: "Thank you."
- Larry mediating: "Hold on. Let's start off in nice civil tones and then build toward the anger."
- Larry to Brandy: "Mm-hmm, when he retires what do you want to do with him most? Keep it clean."
- Larry: "I used to think I was Johnny Mathis in a prior life until I found out he's not dead."
- Larry: "Hey, Ally, it's nothing. I promise, just cheap sex. Right, Brandy?
Brandy: "I'm a thrill ride."
- Brandy: "I still don't understand why I have to come in person to file divorce papers."
Larry: "Oh, they changed the rules. You know, the clerks they want to look you in the eyes now."
- Jamie: "He loves you."
- Larry: "Jamie!"
- Jamie: "You haven't told her."
- Larry: "Oh gee I was going to let you break it."
- Jamie: "Sorry."
- Larry on inviting Jamie to the firmns Christmas party: "Is it okay?"
- Ally: (imagines throwing him out the window) "Sure!"
- Larry on Renee: "The woman's all sex isn't she?"
- Ally: "and more"
- Ally: "She's pretty good"
- Larry: "Well she studied dance"
- Ally: "I meant Elaine"
- Larry: "Oh yeah she is good."
- Larry to Ally on what he told Jamie: "I'm some totally in love with someone else"
- Ally: "Hey, Larry, I-I-I was just coming to see you."
Larry: "I was on my way to see you."
Ally: "You were?
Larry: "Mm-hmm. Hey, they say it's a good sign when a couple can meet halfway."
Ally: "Are we a good couple?"
Larry: "I see potential."
Ally: "Uh, what are you thinking?"
Larry: "I don't believe in that."
Ally: "Believe in what?"
Larry: "Uh, telling each other what we're thinking. Overtalking, uh can make you lazy."
Ally: "I'm sorry?"
Larry: "Well, part of communication is silent, body language, mood... You know, reading each other... You know, figuring it out instead of just flipping to the back page for the answers."
Ally: "I'm having a little trouble reading you, then."
Larry: "All right, I'll tell you this... One thing."
Larry: "Standing here right now...I'm totally... Freezing. Let's go."
- Ally: Hey, stranger.
Larry: "Uh, oh, uh, Ally, right?"
Ally: "That's funny."
Larry: "I've been, um...Missing you. On purpose?"
Ally: "That's funny again."
- Larry: "I know you're probably wondering why things maybe haven't accelerated as fast as-as maybe... You know, last week I-I opened up to you more than I ever...It was exhilarating and, uh, a little scary and it's, it's, uh..."
Ally: "Scared you."
Larry: "Well, I'm not afraid of this. I'm really, really excited if you only knew... How...I'm doing a lousy job of explaining it."
Ally: "No, you're not. You... Want to take it really slow because you want it to be right. Well, slow doesn't bother me, Larry. You and me, we're, we're going to get there. And we should just enjoy the ride."
Larry: "( Sighs ) how about tonight we..."
Ally: "How about tonight you let me cook you dinner?"
Larry: "That'd be great."
- Larry: "I've been singing Christmas carols."
Ally: "Oh, right."
Larry: "No, I have. I've made a comeback."
Ally: "Mmm...Sing me one? Not the one that you played before."
Larry: "You pick it."
Ally: "Okay. Um...Little drummer boy."
Larry: "Hey, that's peppy."
Ally: "Okay. Um...White Christmas."
Larry: "That one I know."
- Larry: "I lied. I only wanted to be alone most of the night"
Renee: "Well... I'm going to go to bed unless you need me."
Ally: "No, I can make do."
- Kimmy: "Mr. Larry."
Larry: "Miss Kimmy. Again. Is this fate? You think maybe you and I are meant to procreate?"
Kimmy: "I am not comfortable with coarse humor."
- Ally: "Forgive me because I have spent my whole life crafting this little list of how it's supposed to go when I meet somebody and as I've gotten older I've become more willing to make compromises. There's only one real prerequisite left on the list for the man in my life."
Larry: "What's that?"
Ally: "I have to love him. ( Clears throat ) these Christmas blues are they connected to your son?"
Larry: "Very much."
Ally: "Can you tell me?"
Larry: "The first three years of his life his mother and I were together this was before I married and became unto ether with some and he loves the snow and... Well, Christmastime, we, uh... All that stuff that you find magical about Christmas-- the tree and stockings and... Sleigh rides and making angels in the...-- I did all that with him and now I don't have him so I... I don't really have Christmas."
- Larry: "I have a son. He's seven years old."
Ally: "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
Larry: "Um, 'cause I'm ashamed."
Ally: "You're ashamed of having a son?"
Larry: "I'm ashamed that I don't see him every day and I'm ashamed that he's grown up for the most part without his father."
Ally: "Well, where is he?"
Larry: "He's in Detroit...With his mother."
Ally: "I thought your ex-wife lived here in Boston."
Larry: "She does."
Ally: "Oh. Oh, you-you... You had this child with another woman."
- Larry: "You really do love Christmas, don't you?"
Ally: "Well... Yes. Why don't you?"
Larry: "Uh-oh, it's an issue. Should we settle this before we start naming children?"
- John: "I I found out. I was shopping with my mother. I sat on the department store Santa. Told him all about this special steam train I wanted which was green with red stripes. Then we left the store, came to a street corner and there was Santa again, ringing a bell and he was black. I thought, "well, that's odd. Got from here to there so fast and changed color." But, I thought, he's Santa. He's magic. And then he looked at me with no recognition who said "well, little one, what would you like for Christmas?" And I knew right then this whole thing was a fraud."
Kimmy: "That's awful. I didn't find out till my freshman year in college."
Larry: "You have been really sheltered your whole life, haven't you?"
- Larry: "Do you like music?"
Elaine: "I'm sorry?"
Larry: "Well, ally tells me that you love music. As do I; in fact, when I'm fee which I always do in December I sit at my piano at night, and I just you know, sing a little. You'd be surprised what incredible companion music can be."
Elaine: "It's more about applause with me."
- Larry: "Do they let you sing at the bar downstairs?"
Elaine: "They try to discourage it. They say I make it all about me."
- Richard: "Larry, hey, slept with her yet? Not my business, so "yes" or "no" would suffice. Look, I run businesses here. I need my litigates hungry, horney even. If she's being satiated in any way, I need to know to protect the client, the firm. Are you two, uh...?"
Larry: "Ally's told me so much about you and I've believed so little of it."
Richard" Well, I make a dent. Have, all my life."
Larry: "And you're making one now."
- Larry: "You know, uh, isn't it a little early for a tree?"
Ally: "The Christmas season starts as soon as you put up your tree and I think the world could extend the yuletide spirit a week, you know? ( Horn honks ) oh! Bite me!"
Larry: "Ah, there's the spirit."
Ally: "You put up the tree, you decorate it you sit on the couch and look at the twinkle you make an eggnog..."
Larry: "I've always hated Christmas. Uh-oh... I should've saved that for later in the relationship."
Ally: "Um, I don't know if I can be with a man who hates Christmas."
Larry: "I'm allergic to the down feathers in the couch. All right, there's cholesterol in the eggnog the tree is a fire hazard, and twinkle lights can cause seizures."
Ally: "That's why you hate Christmas?"
Larry: "That and... I'm always alone."
Ally: "Oh. Well, you're not going to be alone this Christmas."
Larry: "Could you say that again, please?'
Ally: "You're not going to be alone this Christmas."
Larry: "Let's go decorate the tree. I can't wait."
- "You think I'm just going to sit back & wait for you to get with the program. You might be afraid of all this Ally but I'm...I'm not."- Larry to Ally
- John: "She gets emotional, I'd go after her."
Larry: "I don't do that."
John: "No, I suppose if you did it would make it harder to live life alone."
- Larry: "You protest the opening of a play in New York?"
Kimmy: "Yes I did. It was vial."
Larry: "Can you tell us the name of that play?"
Kimmy: "I will not, that word should not be used in public let alone lit up on a billboard in Times Square."
Larry: "It was called the Vagina Monologues."
- Ally: "How would you handle me beating you?"
Larry: "I don't know, uh... most of all I'd be impressed you client is Kimmy!"
- "I've been meaning to ask you something for awhile now. Ally are you nuts?"- Larry
- Larry: "I want you to ditch the father & son act, I'll declare Nelle void, we can have dinner tonight."-
- "Ally, don't tell me the son has a twin."- Larry mocking Ally's situation
- Ally asking about her case: "Is there anything I need to know?"
Larry: "The son will probably live longer."
- Ally: "How's it going?"
Larry: "Pretty good. Still duping people, making them think I'm a therapist by putting attorney at law on my door"
- "Well if you need a sympathetic ear I can fake it"- Larry to Ally
- "She took all her files except one, ‘Ally McBeal.’ It's a catchy theme song, by the way."- Larry to Ally
- "You’ve got to let him know how inadequate he is. I mean, if you do get married you'll be telling him that for the rest of his life anyway."- Larry to Ally on how to dump Brian
- "If it only lasts 5 minutes, why are you falling asleep at all? You should be lying awake wondering what the hell is wrong."- Larry to Ally on her sex life with Brian
- "Gee, it's like we're married. You're blaming all of society on me. No wonder you want a husband. You're already a wife!"- Larry to Ally
- "I have a slight problem with your lament on prioritizing sex as you come in here, wafting of vanilla wearing a $2,000 outfit designed to punctuate every contour of your body looking very much like the women in the magazines except I don't have the luxury of turning the page. As for locating self-worth in physical appearance I'm sure there's a mirror in your Prada purse. And as much as you might hate the idea of being the object of a man's desire what you truly loathe is the idea that one day you might not be."- Larry to Ally
- "I didn't blame you for society. I just cited you as a sad example of it."- Ally to Larry
- Ally: "You are the biggest ass I have ever met."
Larry: "Perhaps this is where you...kiss it good-bye."
- "I’m not a therapist, I’m a lawyer"- Larry to Ally