|Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show|
- Richard: "I‘m taking Liza for my first wife."
Liza: "And I‘m taking Richard for my very first husband."
- Richard on his quick marriage: "What is love if not and risk and should it fail for some reason... bygones."
- Liza: "Listen about the wedding, I don’t like walking down the aisle it feels to formal, that’s how we walk in the courtroom. I want to be suspended from the ceiling."
Richard: "Ah... Ah...."
Liza: "If you love me you‘ll say yes."
- Richard: "John truly, have I ever made sense to you?"
John: "Yes, it‘s always been about the money."
Richard: "Exactly, this time it isn‘t."
- Ally: "Richard I can‘t believe you got married before I did."
- Richard: "Liza we‘ve got a problem are client Helena she‘s a wack-a-do."
- Richard: "You've been acting strange ever since I said I was falling for you."
Liza: "Please, do you know how many men fall in love with me?"
Richard: "How many call you nice?"
Liza: "Stop it."
Richard: "You’re a nice kindhearted person. Why is that so hard to hear?"
Liza: "Cause I don‘t like it when people see both sides of me, it makes me feel I‘m naked."
Liza: "Don‘t look at me like that either."
- Richard: "Liza, love is about being able to be both soft and hard, it‘s like a penis Fishism."
- Liza: "What is it that you like about me Richard? I‘m not even as sexual as I pretend to be."
Richard: "I like that you‘re cold, bitchy, smart, extremely sexy, beautiful and soft."
Liza: "So will you let me train you if I want to?"
Richard: "Like a puppy."
- Ellen: "When you said dumb stick on the stand today... your father has always been ruled by that part of his anatomy... you were named after it."
Richard: "Excellent, glad to know that."
- Richard: "First rule of management, hire ugly assistants."
- Richard: "I don‘t have a personal life."
Liza: "Awe, poor Richard. You wanna watch me take a shower?"
- Claire: "Richard, Richard I don’t want to pry but are you all right?"
Richard: "Sure why wouldn‘t I be?"
Claire: "It‘s just that... over the last few days you’ve been well... working and it‘s not like you."
- Richard on Liza: "She‘s even more naughty, more cunning, more delicious than Ling and Ling was amazing."
Claire: "You‘re romanticizing cunning Ling, Richard."
Richard: "Men do that."
- Liza: "I’m off to workout."
Raymond: "In a stall?"
Liza: "You’ve never done it in a stall before?"
Raymond: "It‘s a little cramped isn‘t it?"
Liza: "John gave me his hole."
Corretta: "Richard you might want to blot that drool."
Richard: "What‘s the sexiest thing on a woman."
Richard: "No, not you... not me... not any piece of clothing. Sweat."
- Richard: "What‘s up with that guy (Wilson), is he any good?"
Nelle: "I have no idea but I‘ll certainly let you know."
- Ally: "Has he (John) completely gone of the deep end?"
- Claire: "So sorry to intrude but I have news."
Richard: "You‘re pregnant."
- Claire: "No but you’re on the right track."
- John: "I did go to Mexico I lasted one day."
John: "Dysentery in hour twelve."
- Claire: "Pre-nuptial?"
Richard: "Well Claire you have money he doesn‘t we just want to make sure your protected."
Coretta: "Have you even broached this with him."
Claire: "Well I did mention protection once, he put on a condom."
- Richard: "I never worry about money, right Claire?"
Claire: "Why worry when you can obsess."
- Claire: "I still don‘t know why you take me along on these missions."
Richard: "To take notes you know my attention span."
Claire: "Look at the way all these prisoners are staring in my direction, they all want to ravage me."
- Richard: "Can you believe it my first love."
Corretta: "Look at the positive Richard you‘ve been where no man will ever go again."
Nelle: "It‘s payback for all your homophobia."
Richard: "I don‘t find that supportive Nelle."
- Richard: "Listen Claire they weren‘t just words, I‘m prepared to put my money where my mouth would never go. I‘ll hire you."
- Richard: "He‘s leaving the firm, not completely but as of now he‘s a part time biscuit"
- Ally: "So what are you going to call the firm Fish?"
Richard: "No I want to change the name but I thought first I ought to run it by you."
Richard: "I want to change it to Fish & McBeal"
- Richard: "Ally I making you partner, this is where you hug me, uh big kiss, a little tongue even."
- Nelle: "Why am I not being made partner?"
Richard: "Nelle partners split up the pie, you know that. If I it three ways I get less you can‘t possibly find that acceptable, I know I don‘t."
- Richard: "Ally has support the workers will rally for her, Nelle you not a liked person."
- Richard: "What’s going on nobody closes the door for good news it’s always for bad news. Why did you close the door? Is it for something sexual?"
Ally: "No Richard nothing sexual."
- Richard: "There’s an old homily, cliche yes but I happen to believe in it, winning isn‘t everything."
John: "People on trial for murder tend to disfavor that homily Richard."
- Richard: "I look for many qualities in a woman Harriet, honest, kind , funny, but mainly I‘d like somebody thin who use to be fat. Somebody who lost say 75 pounds and the stretched skin hangs from her chin. You know a kind gentle woman with drip wattle."
- Richard: "In light of world events values have changed."
John: "Your values have changed?"
Richard: "Mine? God no, but woman, they don‘t care so much about money anymore, which renders us far less attractive"
- Richard: "I don’t know whether falling in love and having a family is it John, but the place we‘re in now... this is definitely not it."
- Ally: "Well, what do you think?"
Richard: "It‘s a dump"
Ally: "Oh Richard, just you know... just use your imagination."
Richard: "I‘m using my imagination, otherwise it‘s a condemned dump."
- Ally: "Richard do you think that maybe you could get some paint on the wall?"
Richard: "Nice, imagine if someone said that to Jackson Pollock"
Ally: "Well that‘s probably how he got started."
- Richard: "Knowing you the way I do, I realize every endeavor you undertake deep down is about getting a man because of course without one your a deep empty cavernous black hole and I respect that.."
- Ally: "The first thing I‘m going to get is a coat rack."
Richard: "A coat rack? Before a satellite dish."
- Richard on Victor: "Does he come with the house?"
- Richard: "If I wanted to be micro-managed I‘d have to have sex with you."
- Richard: "Ally no mater how low I set the bar of common sense you amaze me in your ability to slither under it."
- Richard: "She wants this to be a labor of love."
Nelle: "Oh make me vomit my intestines."
Coretta: "(coughing) Witch."
- Richard: "What‘s going on?"
Raymond: "All the woman a running to the chiropractor for sexual gratification and Glenn‘s not happy."
- Richard: "You’re having sex with a chair?"
Glenn: "Yeah & Coretta here is a season ticket holder."
- Richard: "Women shouldn’t enjoy sex period. If god wanted that he would have given them penises."
- Richard: "The only question you have to ask yourself about sex is Glenn, ‘is it good for you?‘."
- Richard: "Many married women ah, say to themselves I wonder... I wonder what it‘s like to be nasty. If only I‘d been seduced just once and some of these women yield to the urge after they‘re married and that‘s wrong for principled people like you & me. That‘s repugnant."
- Frances: "Who you like to know how nasty I can be?"
Frances: "Ask my fiancée"
Richard: "Hall of fame bugger."
- Richard: "So the weddings still on?"
Richard: "That isn‘t right what about the sanctity, it’s a violation of love itself, the very institution, everything I believe in. So you said she‘s open to affairs as well?"
Richard: "Now that‘s terrible."
Glenn: "But not with a friend of Jenny‘s"
Richard: "Oh, that‘s terrible."
- Richard: "Lastly, speaking of sexual harassment we need you all to sign waivers... our office Christmas party is Wednesday night."
- Jenny: "I’m not comfortable with you dogging my mother."
Richard: "Where's your yuletide spirit, deck the halls, tis‘ the season to get your jolly, I‘m tired of the religious sled here ah people. What‘s that song... ah.... wattle wonderland?"
- Richard: "What‘s going on?"
John: "The world seems so desperate."
Richard: "Oh that?"
John: "You know Richard, privately, every Christmas I rent the elf costume, I scamper around my house at night to inview myself with good tidings."
Richard: "Good idea to do it privately."
- Richard to John: "If you leave again because you‘re sad can I redecorate your hole?"
- Corretta: "This party in the bar, it will in fact be a party right?"
Richard: "Of course, why?"
Corretta: "Cause I think we all need one."
- Richard: "Alright, here we go, settle in, time is my money."
- Richard: "First up, reminder.... Ling’s syndicated television show begins airing today, for all of you who have longed to control the volume when she speaks."
- Richard: "John you’re here?"
John: "Yes, your powers of observation continue to stun the world."
- John: "How dare you!"
Richard: "Not now John I’m off to court"
John: "You installed a disco ball in my hole."
John: "Don‘t you bygones me Richard damn it."
- Richard to his client after she was given an engagement ring: "Don‘t fence it"
- John: "I use to think in a prior life I was Elvis."
Richard: "But John Elvis lived in this life."
- Richard on Frances: "I have to have that woman, you catch the wattle on her... the subtle crease at the nap. Maybe I can lure her into John‘s hole."
- Raymond: "Tell me something, what do you think of me and Jenny?"
Richard: "Hard to tell, could be cause I don‘t care."
- Richard to Frances: "You cannot marry that other person with out first hearing what I have to offer. Money, there you‘ve heard it."
- Richard: "If you change your mind I’m the first in line. Feel free..."
Richard: "Take a chance on me, if you need me..."
Frances: "You’re reciting lyrics from an Abba song."
- Richard: "I cry because you love has past me by."
Frances: "The Guess Who. I’m late for court Richard."
Richard: "Women with wattle, they know all the old songs. Bugger"
- Richard on Frances: "Look at her, hall of fame wattle."
- Richard: "Legally as a Judge she (Ling) can no longer work here."
All the lawyers: "Awwwwww!"
Ling: "I heard that, I know sarcasm when I hear it. I‘m expecting a party by the way something big, maybe a dinner. I‘ll need to approve the menu"
- Richard: "How was your time off John?"
John: "It was fine."
Richard: "Good food? Little R&R? Steroids?"
- Richard: "John, with this sullen attitude, I‘d like to be there for you but it‘s just too boring."
- Ling: "I thought you said you rent out the bar."
Richard: "I did."
Ling: "Well who are all these people?"
Richard: "I rent them too, I want you to feel popular, enjoy it."
- Richard: "You seem a little testy is everything all right?"
John: "My life is loveless move on."
- Richard: "A makeover?"
John: "That‘s what she said, what am I not attractive anymore Richard"
Richard: "Oh come on John you have money that makes you handsome."
- Richard (while eating popcorn in court): "She‘s already sworn in."
Nelle: "Uh ha, last night"
Richard: "I keep thinking it must be a trick."
Nelle: "Uh ha, on man kind"
- Richard: "That was your move? You looked like you had gas John."
- Richard on Glenn: "He‘s talent if he says we get more rich, if he goes we don’t. More rich less rich, more rich, less rich."
- John: "It‘s always been Ally, Richard that’s the point. I’m just finally getting around to admitting it to myself."
Richard: "Okay, but why Ally as opposed to anybody else... emphasizing the word anybody."
John: "Because she‘s magic, she understands loneliness, she’s afraid, she’s not afraid to be afraid, she’s just magic."
- Richard: "I‘m deep."
John: "Deep, you don‘t even have an outer core you end at the mantle."
- Richard: "Jane."
Richard: "How‘s it going so far?"
Jane: "Okay I think, you know my L.A. blood, this place is a little cold."
Jane: "No this firm. I‘m kind of surprised."
Richard: "Oh is cold necessarily a bad thing? Cold cash, cold truth... these are good things right?"
Jane: "It‘s just you and John are so kind, I figured your firm would be more kind."
- Richard: "What happened this isn‘t the kind of firm we planned?"
John: "Richard all you‘ve ever sought is money."
Richard: "Yes, but I at least wanted to be surrounded with a little humanity... to go with my money."
- John: "Most of the people here don‘t live emotionally."
Richard: "We need to fix that, I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?"
John: "Well as acts of compassion go that wouldn‘t be my first choice but it is time for a change Richard. A big one."
- Richard: "I love proms all that you wattle."
- Richard: "My wisdom in person is tough to take Jane, over the phone you don‘t want it. Death."
- Richard: "First may I say you have nothing to be ashamed of here."
Richard: "They are artful they don‘t show George W. "
Jane: "George W.?"
Richard: "The uh.... never mind."
- Richard: "Richard Fish you are?"
Jane: "My roommate."
Richard: "Oh the roommate you also did naked photographs."
Richard: "Did they ever show up in a magazine?"
Richard: "Really? I mean that’s uh... excellent"
- Henson Lyne: "Contracts a contract Mr. Fish."
Richard: "Except when it‘s not, Fishism."
- John: "Don’t be ridiculous Richard, I can‘t argue your case for you over the phone."
Richard: "You don‘t, you feed me the arguments just like that like that show. What was it? Cyrano-de-Burger-King or whatever."
- Richard: "If I win I might get sex. Is that right Jane or am I over stating it."
Jane: "You might."
- Jane: "You really are so sweet."
Jane: "I wish I could pay you."
Richard: "Oh are you kidding, seeing you in those naked pictures that was enough."
- Jane: "Richard!"
Richard: "Excellent, my winning streak extended to one."
Jane: "How can I ever thank you."
Richard: "Uh sex?"
Jane: "You know Richard you know better of an actor than me you didn‘t flight out here and do all this for sex. You did it because your kind and your sweet."
Richard: "So sex is out?"
Jane: "Tonight were going to hustle and then go from there."
Richard: "Yeah, I‘m on the 2 o’clock flight."
Jane: "But you just got here yesterday."
Richard: "That‘s me in & out just like sex"
Jane: "You can‘t just leave. You did that last time."
Richard: "Jane last time it was wise and this time it‘s necessary."
- Sydney: "Do you like it when I call you Ritchie?"
Sydney: "Your mother called you Ritchie I bet."
Richard: "Oh she did actually."
Sydney: "Do you like it when women talk mommy talk to you?"
Sydney: "Do you like it when I do it?"
- Ling: "I don‘t want this firm representing that woman."
Richard: "Why not?"
Ling: "I don‘t know why not yet I just know there‘s a reason."
- Richard: "You ever been sucked in by a woman?"
John: "Well on to a toe."
- John: "Do all men just become drones?"
Richard: "Eventually they call them husbands."
- Richard to Sydney: "Celebration time, a little wine, a little dance, a little toe?"
- Richard: "Where‘s Ally?"
Mark: "Elaine said she called in older."
Richard: "Excuse me?"
Mark: "It‘s her birthday, she’s depressed, she called in older."
Richard: "Does that mean she‘s not coming in?"
Nelle: "I thought we were having a party for her. Well how can we not celebrate she‘s a member of our family here."
Richard: "You know you’re entirely too happy Nelle. I want to meet this computer date."
- Richard: "Hey Ally."
Ally: "Since when do you have a key to my apartment?"
Richard: "Oh, Jackson had copies made, happy birthday."
- Richard: "Ling knows I watch Cindy Margolis on cable all the time, she‘s even caught me apeasing myself sometimes after."
- Richard: "Everybody’s alone Ally it‘s just some people don‘t know it."
- Richard to Larry: "We‘re both emotional surfer boys."
- Ling: "Do my knee."
Ling: "Just do it."
Richard: "Well...No. No. I won‘t be used."
Ling: "We can’t deny are passions any longer can we? You want me and I want you. So let’s just be honest. You do my knee and I‘ll give you hair."
Richard: "You‘re pinching my spinal cord."
- Richard: "When the woman shaves her legs before going to work in the morning instead of before getting into bed at night it’s over, no acceptations."
- John: "He was here."
John: "Barry. Barry White came."
Richard: "Forgive me if I don‘t try to envision that."
- Richard to John: "Without Barry what are you? Look at that, you have no choice but to find Barry. Spirits up buddy."
- Elaine: "John, Cassandra Lewis is here for you."
Nelle: "Who‘s Cassandra Lewis?"
Richard: "John‘s L.A. wattle."
- Richard to John: "You‘re a rich powerful man with feelings. How many guys to you know like that besides me?"
- Richard: "When she‘s out of town it‘s easier to cheat. Fishism."
- Ling: "Richard do you think about picking up where we left off?"
Richard: "We didn‘t leave off anywhere."
Ling: "That would hurt my feelings if I had any."
- Richard: "First up welcome back John & me, L.A. was great, we missed you all."
Nelle: "Yes how was L....A....? Did you find what you were looking for?"
John: "Yes, people with warmth, it was a culture shock you snippy assed Popsicle."
- Richard: "Brides beautiful, he‘s not. Did I mention he’s fat, bald, rich? Just to be safe pre-nup."
- Richard: "Ethics have no place in a law firm."
- Richard: "With men we go right to anthropology. Nature, man is conditioned to spread his seed. When we sleep around we‘re really doing God‘s work. Fishism."
- Richard on Ling & Jackson: "I just hope at the end of the day she looks at him, looks at me and she realizes I have more money."
- John: "Where going to California?"
Richard: "Not just California, that little Mecca that‘s aberrant enough for you and superficial enough for."
John: "You mean?"
Richard: "I do, we‘re going to L.A.."
- Ally: "What do you mean you’re going to Los Angeles"
Richard: "Just a two day R&R"
Nelle: "Los Angeles?"
Richard: "We‘re looking to broaden ourselves culturally a little. I‘m I right John"
John: "In deed."
Richard: "Ally, while we’re gone your senior partner pro-tem"
Mark, Ling, Nelle & Ally: "What?"
- Richard: "We missed the flight John."
John: "We‘re not going to miss the flight"
Richard: "7 drug stores just to..."
John: "You‘ll be glad we have the extra protection."
Richard: "Sun lotion is sun lotion."
- Richard: "Revenge of the coach people, why to you parade them through first class flight attendant lady? It‘s not right."
- Passenger: "...Nervous flyer."
Richard: "I can tell you the rest of us are at ease with you blocking the exit windows."
- Richard: "Many of you I’m sure are concerned, a lot of planes going down lately. Let’s not blame the airlines. Competitive market, they’ve all had to layoff mechanics, cut a few corners, young pilots are cheaper. You’ve seen ours by the way... 25 tops, I saw them playing with their Gameboys. Luckily I‘m a lawyer as is my colleague John Cage. It‘s not too late to draft a will. We brought a portable Fax machine with us. If any of you don’t have final testaments... To fly these days without one it’s reckless, I don’t need to tell you that."
- Richard on sitting next to a flatulent passenger: "Did you hear that... I paid fifteen hundred bucks to sit in the horn section"
- Richard: "We have a stewardess with the charm of Lurk."
- Richard: "I didn‘t know they had trials in Los Angeles. Don‘t they just beat you up and send you to Mexico"
John: "That‘s just the aliens."
- Richard: "Is that you John for a second there I thought you were Lenny Kravitz."
- Richard: "Isn‘t that why God made woman to ease the hardship of man even if the hardship is in our shorts. Fishism"
- Richard: "I‘m a little concerned truth be told, hot sun here, I put the lotion on but I could reach the middle of my back."
Jane: "And your friend couldn‘t help you with that?"
Richard: "Well I asked but he‘s a little homophobic... to each his own."
- Jane: "You‘re kind of fun."
Richard: "Of course I am."
Jane: "Are you rich?"
Richard: "I‘m loaded and all my money is yours, just make me happy."
- Richard: "I should have been suspicious when she willingly went to my room but I figured this is L.A., girls do that here."
- Jane: "I thought you were funny."
Richard: "Funny amusing? Funny you laugh at me? Funny strange?"
Jane: "All of the above."
- Richard: "Leader leads, a follower follows. Fishism."
- Richard: "Sometimes the key to good parenting is knowing when not to. Fishism."
- Richard: "You know that was fun, huh buddy... it was good to getaway."
- Richard: "We‘re becoming a little niche firm in annulments."
- Richard: "You know I love the eager beaver...vulgarism"
- Richard: "It‘s Motown night."
Ally: "Motown night?"
Richard: "As in Detroit, home of the Tigers, Lions, Larry."
Ally: "Oh, funny."
- Richard: "Hey Ling, working late?"
Ling: "Catalogues, I can’t keep up."
- Jackson: "Is she any good?"
Richard: "Are you kidding? Pretty, smart... you like big knockers?"
Jackson: "I meant as a lawyer."
- Richard: "Are you mental I‘d sooner see my proctologist than one of those head shrinkers."
- Richard: "Look I consider myself a pretty open-minded person but... ah... therapists, shrinks, phcicologists they’re all a bunch of sex perves. They grow up reading Freud, what does that say. Talk about your auotbiker the man died with calculus on both hands."
- Richard: "Men don‘t walk around saying I love you to other men, that‘s a gay thing."
John "A gay thing?"
Melanie: "You father never said he loved you?"
Richard: "He didn‘t have to he‘d say uh Mambo Cat"
- Richard on hearing the therapists opening comments: "Sounds like an airline."
- Richard: "Okay first up, the good news we‘re making more money. The bad news I can never get enough"
- Richard: "I keep hearing noises. I hope we don‘t have rats in the walls"
Ally: "That sound‘s like a dog."
- Richard: "I keep hearing noises. I hope we don‘t have rats in the walls"
Ally: "That sound‘s like a dog."
- Melanie: "I‘m not... I-I just....I’m um...um... the idea of being institutionalized is a little repugnant to me, even... even if the institution is marriage"
John: "What are you talking about?"
Melanie: "I don’t believe in marriage."
- Melanie to John: "I just don‘t think that love is something you contract"
- Melanie: "The most alone people I know are married."
- Melanie: "John I love you."
- Richard on the firm: "We don't do intellectual work here"
- Richard to Cindy: "You found someone to love you... all of you?"
- Richard: "Can I bring in a second chair? I'm not always up on the law it's so boring."
Cindy: "Are you current on you homophobia?"
Richard: "Hey, Scouts honor... well"
- Ling: "Do you think she could be falling for him, he is a Salsa dancer?"
Richard: "She fell for a murderer"
Ling: "But at least he was a doctor"
- Richard: "My winning streak stopped at one... bugger."
- Richard: "Do I get to kiss the bride?"
Cindy: "Would you like to?"
Richard: "No tongue."
Cindy: "No chance"
- Richard: "Okay, first up, where's John?"
Mark: "He's sitting in on Melanie's class again..."
Ling: "He's in love with her. He follows her around like a puppy dog. It's gross."
- Richard: "Chubby checker is actually going to sing, which is a real treat for me, since I thought he was... What's the word?... Dead."
- Elaine: "Why does mark have to be in court?"
Richard: "Uh, he's in trial, Elaine. That's where they do that sort of thing... in court."
Elaine: "It's ally's trial. You only put Mark on it so he wouldn't be able to practice for the twisting contest."
Richard: "Well, gee, Elaine, you got me there. Are you really that dopey or do you just say silly things to go with your outfit?"
- Elaine: "When ling said she was a champion twister has she actually won a competition?"
Richard: "I don't know, Elaine, but I'll tell you this... (Melanie barks) yikes! it sounds ugly. I've made love to ling, and if she can twist half as well as she can, uh... Contort, y-you got no chance."
- Ally: "Our lawyers have legs to stand on?"
Richard: "Fishism, no biggie."
Ally: "Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time. Did you hire me based on my looks?"
Richard: "(Sighs) Ally, did we know each other in law school?"
Ally: "Not really."
Richard: "Mm-hmm. Did I interview you for the job?"
Richard: "Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?"
Richard: "So all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you?"
Ally: "So this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer?"
Richard: "What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't, but people hate lawyers. Clients think we're only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism."
Ally: "I can't believe this."
- Richard: "Tell me you trade on your looks every day, Ally. You pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for? To brush up your intellect?"
- Richard: "Unbelievable, he's really not dead."
Ling: "Are you sure?"
- Ling: "This isn't fair. She's getting Chubby-- what do I get?"
Richard: "You'll get your Chubby later."
Ling: "I want that one."
- Richard: "You don't seem that nervous. If I were getting married in two days you know, puke city. Not that lingorama wouldn't make an excellent wife."
- Richard on sex with Melanie: "What if she whoops during? Is it you? Is it the tourette's? A man has to know what's making his woman scream."
- Richard: "The heart will never be practical until it can be made unbreakable. Wizard of Oz ism."
- Richard: "Murder?"
John: "That's the charge. Yes, she drove over her boyfriend."
Richard: "What's the defense, bad tires?"
- Elaine: "John, there's a woman here to see you."
Richard: "Is she cute?"
Elaine: "Oh, yes richard, she's your type-- wattle for days."
Richard: "Just asking."
- Richard: "I've been meaning to ask how's Elaine in bed? It's just, you know, I've always wanted to I've just been afraid of catching something."
Mark: "Richard, you're talking about the woman I'm seeing."
Richard: "I know. That's why I'm asking."
- Richard: "By the way, Elaine everything okay with you and Mark sexually?"
Elaine: "Why do you ask me that?"
Richard: "Well, he doesn't want to talk about it which, since he's a guy there must be nothing to talk about."
- Richard: "Nothing happened?"
Ling: Is there something wrong with your little thingy?"
Mark: "No. We both just seemed nervous."
Richard: "About what?"
Mark: "Well, truth be told, all this talk of her... Experience."
Richard: "Oh, say no more. You're worried about how you'll stack up against the 1, 000 or so men she's been with."
Richard: "You need a sex song."
Mark: "A sex song?"
Richard: "Yeah, john uses Barry White, I use Tom Jones. Does it help me, Lingo?"
- Nelle: "If you really, really want to turn a woman on...Do you?"
Nelle: "Respect her."
Richard: "Where's the fun in that?"
Nelle: "Well, if she thinks you respect her-- if you really, really respect her-- she'll do whatever you want."
Nelle: "Men think it's money, it's flowers it's sweet talk. It's none of those things. It's respect."
- Richard: "I took the big V."
Richard: "Respect only gets you so far, Mark. True love... Chemicals."
Mark: "Does everybody take Viagra now?"
Richard: "Pretty much. Hey, your last girlfriend did. That's how you found out the truth."
- Richard on rule changes at the Christmas party do to Ally's singing last year: "All songs must now be cleared in advance"
- Ling: "Richard I'm tired of everyone performing at Christmas parties with no attention coming to us."
- Richard: "Ah... Coffee bean we have no talent"
- Ling: "So what. Richard when you see performers sing on TV their lip syncing. We could do that."
- Richard pick who goes in the auction: "I got names in a hat...Uh, cup. First man and first woman drawn you'll do it. I don't want to hear a single complaint. Me, damn it. Do-over."
Richard on being up for bid: "Bid on me, would you, Ling? I don't want to get stuck with a beast."
- Richard: "It says here you repeatedly offered to have sex with him."
Elaine: "It was a joke. He knew I was joking. We're friends. This doesn't make sense."
Mark: "It says here also that you made him eat...your underwear?"
Elaine: "I never made him. I would just demonstrate my inventions for him. I invented some edible cherry-flavored underwear and I offered it to him once as a light snack."
- Richard: "Ling you're fired."
Richard: "This is real. This man has a legitimate case and I need a real lawyer preferably outside counsel. Mark, hire Larry Paul. Do it now."
- Richard: "Ling, what's going on?"
Ling: "That bitch Nelle thinks she can raise more money than me."
Ling: "You think she can?"
Richard: "Boy, that's a tough one. Of the women I've paid for the blondes have been more expensive but they don't have your warmth."
- Richard: "Paul, the man who bought me you know, it's his choice where we go on the date. He insists it be the bar."
Nelle: "Well, that's nice, Richard, we'll all be there to rescue you."
Richard: "But I'll be seen with a man."
Nelle: "I'm going to the bar with my date."
Ling: "If not to a hotel room."
Richard: "Hello? I need some help. Paul says he has a feeling about me. He thinks I'm special."
Ling: "Are you falling in love?"
Richard: "Forget it."
- Paul: "A dance is part of the date, Richard."
Richard: "A fast dance, maybe, but..."
No-no-no. See, I paid $6, 500."
Richard: "Paul, you seem like a swell guy but I'm homophobic. I can show you a note from the doctor."
- Nelle: "Flirt with the whole bar?"
Richard: ""You don't have to be flirty-flirty. Just smile the way you can, ask them as a favor to you: Could they cheer and respond while john is up there singing?"
Nelle" Huh. And why is john singing anyway?"
Richard: "To impress a girl, remember. These are hard times for him. It's Christmas, it's lonely. He used to have a beautiful woman. It was you, Nelle. I'm just asking for you and Ling to charm a few recruits."
Nelle: "I don't think people are going to cheer because I ask them to."
Nelle, men will do anything for you. Don't you get that?"
Richard: "One look-- they want to whisk you away. You have that effect. It's the hair."
- John: "What about movement? You know, I'm stiff. I step like I'm trying to kill bugs."
Richard: "I can help you there. I've been doing some self-esteem movement to make me a hotter lover. ( "It's not unusual" plays ) ( music stops ) I'll get you through this, John."
- Richard encouraging John to sing: "Bob Dylan's been singing for 35 years. He's yet to hit a note. A lot of rock and roll songs don't even have melodies. Maybe you could pick a song where you just talk the words."
- Richard advising John: "Then there's only one thing you can do, John. You've lied to her. You need to go to her now with a bigger lie: Tell her you have a throat problem."
- Richard: "First up Stevens V. WKGB, John?"
Richard "What yes? What's the case, WKGB? Is it a Russian spy thing?"
John "WKGB is a local news station, Richard. Perhaps you've caught it at night inadvertently while surfing your little titty shows."
Richard: "Funny. Uh, Latin anchorwoman, big breasts?"
John "One of the anchors, yes."
- "That's not expectable"- Richard after catching Ling kissing John
- "Ally there are reasons pro, reasons con, but what does everything come down to at the end of the day? Say it with me John... Money"-Richard to Ally
- "Women should be obscene and not heard, Fishism"- Richard to Mark
- "Ally how long have you known me? 7, 8 years? ...In that time have you ever known me to be morally conflicted?"-Richard
- "She has so many nice qualities and one of them is a penis"-Richard to Cindy
- "The thought of something wrong going down the windpipe... Mark, she has an arrow"- Richard on Cindy
- "These things happen Mark"- Richard to Mark after he found out his girlfriend has a penis
- "Use her to attract other beautiful women, ones without meat whistles"- Richard advising Mark on Cindy
- "I hope the time comes before your secret does because guys don't like sleeping on somebody else's wet spot."- Richard to Myra
- Cindy: "I've had boyfriends before. Things have been just fine."
Richard: "They have? But how?"
Cindy: "I tell them I'm catholic."
Richard: "I'm confused...Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought..."
Cindy: "I tell them I'm against premarital sex."
Richard: "I'm still confused. What other kind of sex is there?"
Cindy: "Never mind."
- Richard: "It's difficult for me to sit back and watch him get hurt."
Cindy: "What makes you so sure he'll get hurt?"
Richard: "Oh, no, I'm sure he'll brag to his buddies "with my girlfriend, we can play jack-in-the-box."
- "Ling, there's no value to a secret if you can't repeat it-- Fishism: The woman has a penis"- Richard
- "John, what's the problem? It's why we started our own firm-- to reap the fruits of our own clients."- Richard on John sleeping with a client
- "You know me when it comes to honesty-- usually I'm not for it-- but, um, well, how do I say this?"- Richard
- Richard: "I thought you said you didn't need a man."
Ally: "I don't."
Richard: 'Well, then, uh, what's this about?"
Ally" "I want one."
- Richard: "Uh, Ling, snapple, I am not comfortable with you being part of a manhunt."
Ling: "Don't worry, richard. I won't be looking for anyone like you."
- Ling: "How could you be a man? Y-you look so beautiful."
Richard: "A-and, uh, feminine."
Cindy "I've been on estrogen a long time. This is my real hair. My breasts are real, too."
Richard "They are?"
Richard: "Can I touch them? They're evidence."
I can spot a he/she a mile away. There is no way."
Cindy: "The shots and the pills have softened my voice. I don't grow facial hair. My skin is soft. I'm a woman in almost every way except the o-one that would be discovered if I had to take that physical."
Richard: Oh, so you have A... Wow. Whoa...
Cindy: Is this the sensitivity you spoke of?
Richard: "Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. It's just not every day you meet, uh, such a beautiful, uh, woman."
Ling: "Uh, with her very own Dumbstick."
Cindy "Forget it."
Richard: "No-no-no-no. C-Cindy, Cindy. No-no-no-no. You know, you've told us-- the worst part is over. You might as well let us help you."
Cindy: "Can you?"
- "Awwwwwwww"- Richard when Maureen started to strip for him
- "I’d like a signed commitment that all future backstabbing, lying, stealing... whatever, you’ll do it for us"- Richard welcoming Nelle back into the firm
- "I hired her to steal from her old firm, she ends up stealing from me"- Richard on Nelle’s departure
- "How many men have loved you? Don’t count the army bases"- Richard to Elaine
- "I liked him but the point is, he was boring"- Richard on Billy
- "Because I don’t keep them"- Richard to Nelle on why his promises are irrelevant
- "First up, Billy's brain tumor. It happened to a friend of mine once. Thought he had a brain tumor... turns out it was all in his head. Bygones."- Richard at the morning briefing
- "What I should have yelled lawyer"- Richard after John questioned why he said FBI when they & the police broke down a door
- "Massachusetts is an ugly state. All of New England, Hello! Ever been to a Patriots game the girls are huge in winter.....Boston Terrier, named after the people who live here. Bow-wow city. We can’t just sit back and let the funny looking people get trampled on"- Richard to the press
- "Objection, your honor this is boring"- Richard to Judge Walsh during the oppositions closing arguments
- "There’s nothing special about a woman interacting with a penis unless it’s your own. Am I right John?"- Richard explaining to Ally why men are more fascinated with lesbians
- "Maybe we should call Ling to the stand. She can verify women live to belittle men"- Richard on Georgia’s lawsuit against the firm
- "You want to have your cake and eat Ally too."- Richard giving dating advice to John
- "Next will have Mary Tyler Moore doing porn"- Richard trying to get Billy to talk Ally out performing a sexy number at the Chrismas party
- "If things don’t work out at Renee’s firm and you think you can come crawling and get your job back, your right. We’ll take you back in a second"- Richard to Georgia after she’s officially quit
- "John if you don’t like who you are, if you truly unhappy with you life, that only means your ready to have children"-Richard
- "Everybody says a man will wake up one day, look in the mirror and say how did I get here? It doesn’t have to be like that.....there’s no rule that says you have to wake up"-Richard
- "You forget, how can a wife forget Thanksgiving, it’s only the biggest cooking day of the year. How often does a women really get to shine outside the bed"- Richard to Georgia after she told everyone she forgot it was Thanksgiving
- "John, to give is to receive and if she’s not getting there’s a danger she’ll stop giving"- Richard explaining the need to satisfy your woman in bed to John
- "Spinach noodle, good morning"- Richard addressing Ling
- "I can’t imagine he’s been any good in bed lately, am I wrong?"- Richard to Georgia after coming back from Billy’s male chauvinist group meeting
- "Richard Fish, you probably object to the name Richard because shortened it’s Dick. Do you remember that word? Do you remember what it was like to have one?"- Richard addressing Billy’s group
- "Ally, please. Lasting happiness only comes with money, Fishism, for temporary well being viagra"- Richard about taking prozac
- Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual, but it would be totally disgusting to kiss one?"- Richard on gay men
- Ling my little rolaid, what's wrong?"- Richard
- "The foundation for any friendship between a man & a woman is based on his wanting to sleep with her"- Richard telling John why he shouldn't be just friends with Ally
- "If you don't kiss a girl on the first date your a gentleman, if you don't on the second your gay"- Richard to John
- "I won't pretend to care what's bothering you, but I do care very much as to how it affects me" -Richard to John
- "You crushed his Porsche, next best thing to his penis, bygones"- Richard telling his client to move on
- "I'm not sure I follow but I can't wait to see where your headed with this"- Richard Fish
- "Ally what's with the kiss; case, bygones" Richard at the morning meeting
- The only thing we know for sure about Nelle, Elaine, is that when you talk about her, she's behind you"- Fish
- "Your not who you are, your only what other people think of you" a Fishism
- "Your honors, I'd like to apologize for Mr.Thomas' hostility as much as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have reaction to witchhunts, particularily when they're so blatant," Richard to the law review board
- "Might be in the same room Ally but different planet," Richard
- "I'm nothing if not surrounded," Richard to Elaine in her face bra
- "Everyone's alone it's just easier to take in a relationship," sort of a Fishism
- "Parenting is nothing if not selfless," a Fishism
- "Love is an equation, a me, a you, derives a we," Richard on love
- "Ally you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat that's ont a fishism, just common sense," Richard
- "There's no embarassing way to earn money," Richard on Elaine's face bra
- "Plug the firm," Richard to Ally about the eulogy
- "This account is a potential cash cow, you don't have to do the actual milking," Richard to Ally about dating Ronald
- "It's not just winning, it's winning ugly that matters" -Richard
- "Bygones"- Richard
- "Maybe it's just the wattle," Richard wondering what he loves about Whipper
- "Is that where you make all your big decisions in life? The bathroom?," Richard to Ally
- "Make Enough money & everything else will follow" -a Fishism
- "To me a Pringle shouldn't be a button pusher," Richard
- "Every movie has it's lousy parts, the trick is to fast forward thruogh them," A Fishism
- "Sometimes I toss some jewel fishisms her way & she just stares back with blanks," Richard wondering if Ally likes him
- "Because we look good doing it, they're expensive & people know it," Richard on Cigar smoking
- "Life is all attitude, tonight is a night for you to feel good about yourself" a Fishism
- "Try not to look at it as negative, a lot of his former students will be there, think of it as a class reunion, instead of a punch bowl there'll be a casket. Reunions are meant to allow the more successful to inform the less successful that that's what they are, less than you & I? Were more, especially me, I may be the most." Richard To Ally
- "I realize you two share similar DNA, but it's Billy," Richard on Ally & Georgia being co-council
- "He can have mine, I never use it," Richard about the heart transplant.
- "Redemption, Revenge, Retainer," Richard on why Mary should want to sue
- "Under that robe besides a phenomenal body is a good judge," Richard asking Whipper to see the validity of the case
- "Verbal spankings leave me wanting more," Richard's response to Whipper
- "Til death do us part, you've parted now where's the death?" Richard to Mary
- "There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth & be viscious'" Richard convincing Mary to sue
- "I only heard from the begining," -Richard after eaves dropping
- "The outside world doesn't get the joke," -Fishism about the firm
- "What's inside doesn't count it's how things look," -Fishism
- "We caught him at a hockey game,how gay can he be?"-Richard
- "You've got that Julie Andrews thing going for you" -Richard to Ally
- "I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in" -a Fishism