Desperate Housewives
Cast and Character Quotes
Actor/Actress Quotes
Marcia Cross / Bree Van De Kamp
(Referring to the huge success of "Desperate Housewives") "The show has only been on, for like, 5 minutes, give it some time to settle in."
Teri Hatcher / Susan Mayer
"My advice, be healthy, reach your own goals and don't be afraid to impersonate a SNL star... " - AOL 7/96
"Despite the fact that I have a good-size pair of breasts... in 'Lois & Clark,' I have the opportunity to show the world they're not my only attribute."
"What's good about talking about being victimized is that it is the beginning of being able to stop it."
"I had to test, the whole rigmarole, but it was one of the greatest auditions I ever had. I left the building knowing I had this." (regarding her audition for "Desperate Housewives")
"Let me just say that every cover of every magazine I've done has been airbrushed to death. No woman should walk around thinking that's what they should be. You shouldn't be beating yourself up."
"I was consumed with being a mom. I didn't think beyond that." (regarding her marriage to Jon Tenney)
"I feel more comfortable with myself now. I don't know if I feel sexier. I feel more whole." (regarding turning forty)
"I was in some deeply, deeply sad places. I wanted something to be solid for Emerson. When I was crying there, I was feeling I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage for much longer - there was a lot of money that I'd had that I didn't have anymore. That was a low point." (regarding her marriage breakup and lack of career prospects)
Cody Kasch / Zack Young
"There is no day like today to do what you want."
Doug Savant / Tom Scavo
"During my first year on "Melrose," there was a great deal of pressure from the network (Fox TV) for me to out myself as a straight man. The producers of Melrose kept telling me I had to say publicly that I was a breeder. They said too many people assumed I was gay. I know the truth of my life, so I didn't have to play the network game. For three years I was the spokesperson for the AIDS rides (yearly cycle-thons) in California. I was flattered that people assumed I was gay. To me, that was an affirmation that I was doing my job."
Nicolette Sheridan / Edie Britt
"I grew up feeling like the ugly duckling, and things have not changed that much. For some reason, Hollywood seems to have painted me as a gorgeous vixen at times or the sweet girl. I don't get it."
Character Quotes
Mary Alice: Susan had met the enemy. And she? Was a slut.
Rex: [having an allergic reaction] You put onions in my salad?
Bree: No, I didn't!
[looks back at table]
Bree: Oh, wait.
Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.
Bree: Rex cries after he ejaculates.
Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Alright, are you willing to risk that?
Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
Julia: When was the last time you had sex?
[Susan stops what she is doing]
Julia: Are you mad that I asked?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.
Bree: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Julia: [mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
Susan: Shut up.
Yao Lin: I don't like lies.
Gabrielle: Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there.
Bree: [Speaking to her son after she catches him in a strip club] Andrew, I'm curious. When you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop to think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong... and a pole...
[about the kids]
Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
Tom: You'd be cool with that?
Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
Bree: But how?
Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
[Bree thinks about it, and smiles]
Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
Bree: To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
Mary Alice: It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.
Susan: Hey Edie!
Edie: Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated.
Gabrielle: We're not negotiating my uterus.
[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]
Dr. Goldfine: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.
Bree: Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.
Dr. Goldfine: What makes you say that?
Bree: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.
Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?
Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
Edie: [Susan walks over to Edie deliberately to show off and looks very stylish and beautiful] Wow! Look at you!
Susan: Yeah... I have a date... with Mike. We kissed, FYI...
[Susan leaves, leaving Edie with her mouth wide-open]
Edie: [Susan comes back from Mike canceling the date] So, how was the big date?
Susan: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie: Aww... 'cause of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? FYI!
Mr. Shaw: Sometimes evil drives a minivan.
Paul Young: [asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?
Edie: [applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul Young: Is there any other option?
Edie: [applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...
John Rowland: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
Gabrielle: What?
John Rowland: Why you married Mr. Solis.
Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
John Rowland: Well, did he?
Gabrielle: Yes.
John Rowland: Then... why aren't you happy?
Gabrielle: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
John Rowland: So. Do you love him?
Gabrielle: [sighs] I do.
John Rowland: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.
Edie: [Susan is modeling at a charity fashion show and walks off the catwalk looking tattered, dress ripped to shreds and humiliated] She never looked better!
Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?
[Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]
Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.
Bree: [to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that
George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.
Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
[pause]
Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
Bree: [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection.
Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
Danielle: We're not like other families, are we?
Bree: "How much do we really know about our neighbors?"