9. He won't let you appear in public without your KISS make-up
8. His resume includes the names "Dukakis" and "Mondale"
7. He complains that your platform lacks a "pro-Macarena" plank
6. Orders you a new theme song by John Tesh
5. When you're on "PrimeTime Live," he keeps running on camera to swat Sam Donaldson's eyebrows
4. Always asking, "Given anymore thought to Tim Conway as your running mate?"
3. Instead of a "plan for broad tax cuts," he announces a "tax cut plan for broads"
2. Constantly whining to press that you should have been on men's relay team
1. Clinton: necktie. Dole: no necktie. You: two neckties
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