9. Your debate strategy: just keep saying, "Whoa, dude!"

8. Build your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex Luthor

7. Vow to change National Anthem to "Dueling Banjos"

6. When asked why you're qualified to hold office, shotgun a six-pack of Meister Brau

5. Promise to create new cabinet-level position: "Official Bikini Inspector"

4. Without actually coming out and saying it, strongly imply that everyone who votes for you gets a handful of cashews

3. Claim that you and your wife Hillary had nothing to do with Whitewater

2. Your choice for the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the dudes from KISS

1. Promise a 15-percent tax cut